Breaking The News : 1 of 5

Breaking the News - BEST WEEK EVER

SLIGHTLY NSFW

The Axis of Clever and Kathy Landin’s “I’m an Idiot” Show believe that last week maybe have been the BEST WEEK OF NEWS EVER! Sarah Palin had a romantic tryst. Pat Robertson got soft on divorce. Scarlett Johannson sent naked pics to the whole internet. Charlie Sheen is sane again?! Even Spongebob got in a little trouble for us.

For the actual stories

Honkers if You Love Jesus

Oh Wow. Do Not Read the Eel Story

Hell’s Crotchin’

Players Make Passes and Score

Hopefully He Does the Laugh

Transcript

Hi! Last week was probably the BEST WEEK OF NEWS EVER. Here are some headlines. Sort of.

In our top story from the BEST WEEK OF NEWS EVER, a new book revealed that Sarah Palin once had a romantic tryst with then college basketball star, Glen Rice. Critics of Palin, however, say this is all just a farce aimed at gaining the votes of a demographic she doesn’t reach. People who read books and study things.

In other useless people who don’t belong in Washington news, during the BEST WEEK OF NEWS EVER, the White House gate-crashing couple Tareq and Michaele Salahi are getting a divorce after Michaele, who had been reported missing by her husband, was found safe and sound in the open arms of Journey guitarist Neal Schon. The cuckolded husband said in a statement, “Apparently the only crashing my wife has been doing lately is on the couches of aging rock stars.”

On the anniversary of the September 11th attacks, during the BEST WEEK OF NEWS EVER, military jets escorted an American Airlines flight after 3 passengers refused to leave the bathroom. When questioned about the apparent overreaction, a flight attendant on board explained, “If you had smelled what was coming out of there, you’d want keep us out of your airspace, too.” Officials say the contents of the bathroom were safely evacuated over the skies of Canada.

Also during the BEST WEEK OF NEWS EVER, on his Christian talk show, the 700 Club, Pat Robertson told viewers that it was acceptable to divorce a spouse with Alzheimers disease. Coincidentally, when asked to comment, Mrs. Robertson said, “Who? What? Where am I?”

In a related story, some religious groups are now attempting to get closer to God by adding physical fitness to their worship, in the form of pole dancing. Theologians agree that this means the new answer to the question “What would Jesus do?” is “Carry a big fat wad of singles.”

It was also the BEST WEEK OF INTERNATIONAL NEWS EVER, as a man in China had to have a 15 centimeter eel removed from his bladder after it swam up his penis during a spa visit. (Kathy shudders) Richard Gere was unavailable for comment.

Also during THE BEST WEEK OF INTERNATIONAL NEWS EVER, a dwarf porn star who was Gordon Ramsay’s near double was found dead and partially eaten in a badger’s den in the U.K. The badger later apologized for his mistake and promised to get the right guy next time.

In the BEST WEEK OF SPORTS NEWS EVER, the first week if the NFL season included record amounts of passing and scoring. All without a single Brett Favre crotch photo.

In the BEST WEEK OF ENTERTAINMENT NEWS EVER, the Academy of Arts and Sciences announced that Eddie Murphy will host the next broadcast of the Oscars. When reached for comment, Murphy said, “I’m gonna what now?”

In other Hollywood news during the BEST WEEK OF NEWS EVER, at the Toronto Film Festival, Nicolas Cage confessed that he once woke up to find a naked man in his bedroom eating a fudgesicle. He went on to say that the man finally left after he got tired of Cage begging him to put him in a movie. (pleads) ANY MOVIE.

Also in Hollywood during the BEST WEEK OF NEWS EVER, Charlie Sheen appeared on the Tonight Show and agreed that he had been behaving in an insane manner and couldn’t explain why, but seems now to be perfectly normal. Inside sources say this proves that Jay Leno can take the funny out of anyone.

Wrapping up the BEST WEEK OF NEWS EVER in Hollywood, somehow, nude self-portraits of Scarlett Johannson taken with her mobile phone made it onto the internet for everyone to see. Ok. Show’s over!

That’s it. I’m Kathy. If the news is broken…screw this. I’m gonna go find those pics.

Credits to Spongebob Squarepants “The Best Day Ever”

Breaking the News - June 13, 2011

The Axis of Clever and Kathy Landin’s “I’m an Idiot” Show tried really hard to avoid Weiner jokes this week. They were unsuccessful. A lot. They also use Facebook to avoid murder and get thirsty watching E!, but mostly, Weiner. So much so that the show gets slightly NSFW at the end. Sorry. At least we didn’t tweet our private photos.

Transcript

Happy Monday! Here are some headlines from the last week. Sort of.

In our top story, a shocking revelation last week as sources revealed that New York Representative Anthony Weiner still uses AOL to send email. However, even after confessing to using the so 2003 service to send sexually charged content, the beleaguered Congressman still denies that he was ever photographed with a dog wearing a pull-over.

In a related story, Representative Anthony Weiner has confired that it may have been a mistyped message that caused the world to see his private photo. We here at Breaking the News apologize for any photos of our privates our typos may have caused.

Also related, emboldened by finally getting a story right, Andrew Breitbart of Breitbart.com has now demanded lewd pictures from all Democrats for, “reference in future stories.”

In other news, yes, there was other news, a Florida homeowner foreclosed on Bank of America after the company failed to pay fees awarded in a court settlement. Bank officials say there will be a sale on all pens with chains to recover money owed.

Lawmakers in San Francisco are reviewing a bill that would make circumcising babies illegal. Opponents of the law say not allowing circumcision will make it more difficult to identify “personal” photos posted by politicians in the future.

In other political news, Newt Gingrich’s staff walked out on him late last week. Inside sources say it was angry because he refused to post it on Twitter like all the other politicians do.

An Indiana woman used Facebook to uncover a murder plot her soon-to-be ex-husband was formulating against her. She then also used it to send some goats to destroy his Farmville farm.

In celebrity news, Ice-T and his wife Coco are starring in a new reality series called “Ice-T loves Coco” that premiered on the E! channel over the weekend. Early ratings indicate that audiences are thirsty for more.

In other Hollywood news, Tracy Morgan apologized publicly on Friday for a comedy routine that was deemed by some to be violently anti-gay. Those who witnessed the performance say it provided proof that his real name is Tracy M. Organ.

And finally, recording artist Pink has given birth to a baby girl, who she and husband, Carey Hart, named Willow Sage. Pink explained the name to family members saying “6 more babies and we’ll be a complete Crayola box.”

That’s it. I’m Kathy. If the news is broken…my staff totally walked out on me this week.

credits

Dick joke! Sorry, it just seemed like we didn’t have enough this week.

For the actual stories

Weiner Dog

Tit for Typo

Breitbart Gets One Right

Tables Turned…Onto the Street

Tip for Having Kids

Staff Dysfunction

Facebook DetectiveVille

Thirsty for Good Programming

Tracy M. Organ

The news would not be in regular need of repair without the help of these quality conspirators: @joeschmitt,@arjunbasu, @almostfancyblog, @blobert, Bonehead Radio, @CowboyW, @davio1962, @donchiefnerd,@DoogieHowser_MD, @drivewaydrinker, @formerlycarrmah, @goldengateblond, Gregory Battin,@heathermitch, @iamnotdiddy, Jason Betke, @JeeNeeBee, @joeygerharz, John Battin, Larry Weinstein,@northpacific, @penbleth, @rexhuppke, @ripslich Sam Battin, @ShawnaShawna, @slag_mag,@succitaM, @thejohnblog, @unfnshdprsn, @yayaa.

Breaking the News - June 6, 2011

The Axis of Clever and Kathy Landin’s “I’m an Idiot” Show put a lot of effort into breaking the news, but sometimes it just breaks itself. Like when scientists find that women are dominant in relationships, or politicians named Weiner post photos of their weiners, or priests are charged with pedophilia while investigating pedophilia, or when something at Paula Abdul’s house makes you high. Seriously people, make us try a little bit.

For the actual stories

iPad Kidney - The Next One is on Its Way

Think Wrinkles

Brownie Shocker

Transcript

Happy Monday! Here are some headlines from the last week. Sort of.

In our top story, suicide celebrity Dr. Jack Kevorkian passed away Friday in a Detroit hospital from kidney and respiratory complication and…karma. Doctors say he would have died sooner, but none of his friends were available to “assist”.

In science news, researchers have released findings that indicate that cavewomen were more dominant than cavemen and likely called the shots at home. Breaking the News requested a comment from the Geico caveman, but his wife wouldn’t let him call in.

Court documents revealed that John Edwards spent almost one million dollars to keep his mistress and their lovechild in hiding during the 2008 election. Economists agree that this proves that *inflation* has caused the price of sex to skyrocket.

And that cavemistresses are more dominant than cavemen too.

In other political news, New York Representative Anthony Weiner, reportedly posted a lewd photo of a certain part of his body on Twitter last week. We’re just glad his name’s not: Anthony Pustulous Boil-Butt.

In Catholic Church news, a priest who was tasked by the Pope with investigating cases of pedophilia has been charged with…pedophilia. The Vatican has halted all on-going internal investigations citing concerns over the activities of the team looking into cases of bestiality.

In international news, a 17-year-old boy in China was reported to have sold his kidney to afford an iPad2. Of course, an hour later, he had to sell his other one.

Last week, California researchers claimed they can convert human skin cells into functioning brain cells. Upon hearing this news, Joan Rivers asked if that also meant they could convert brain cells into skin cells, saying, “I’d rather have great skin than remember my grandchildren’s names and birthdays.”

And finally, in celebrity news, Kara DioGuardi said in a recent interview that she once –inadvertently- got really high after eating some brownies she found at Paula Abdul’s house.

That’s it. I’m Kathy. If the news is broken…I just…I wouldn’t eat ANYTHING I found at Paula Abdul’s house.

credits

Just wait until I post a picture of my Landin.

The news would not be in regular need of repair without the help of these quality conspirators: @joeschmitt,@arjunbasu, @almostfancyblog, @bedheadblonde, @blobert, Bonehead Radio, @CowboyW, @davio1962,@donchiefnerd, @DoogieHowser_MD, @drivewaydrinker, @formerlycarrmah, @goldengateblond, Gregory Battin, @heathermitch, @iamnotdiddy, @iowaradioguy, Jason Betke, @JeeNeeBee, @joeygerharz, John Battin, Larry Weinstein, @northpacific, @penbleth, @rexhuppke, @ripslich Sam Battin, @ShawnaShawna, @slag_mag,@succitaM, @TheInfamousGdub, @thejohnblog, @unfnshdprsn, @yayaa.

Breaking the News - April 15, 2011

The Axis of Clever and Kathy Landin’s “I’m an Idiot” Show are asleep in the tower this week. We refuse to discuss the royal wedding, but we will share that Zsa Zsa wants to be a baby mama and she’ll be able to take her child to Applebee’s for a margarita. And, Southwest is finally able to explain how their planes got holes in them.

For the actual stories

France Won’t Surrender Right-of-way

Babies on the Bottle

Brown Bag Ban

Does She Know What They Do at Lens Crafters?

Lung Color Blind

Good News, Wolves. Now…Run!

Fatty Fatty Dinosaur

Hide Your Internet Access

Bang! Zoom! Nearly to the Moon!

Ga-ga Zsa Zsa

Couldn’t Avoid It

Transcript

Happy Friday. Here are some headlines from this week. Sort of.

In our top story, an editorial note. In the frenzy of all things William & Kate, we are officially declaring Breaking the News to be a Royal Wedding Free Zone from this point on.

In other news, on Monday, a Jumbo Air France jet liner clipped a Delta Connection flight at New York’s JFK airport, causing damage to the smaller plane. Southwest Airlines immediately issued a statement saying, “Yeah, that’s what happened to our planes too. Air France did it.”

Late last week, a toddler was served a margarita at an Applebees in Detroit. In response, Applebees has announced that it will retrain all of its servers nationwide and will begin offering margaritas in three sizes: Large, Medium and Sippy Cup. They will still be available frozen or on the rocks.

In a related story, a Chicago school now prohibits students from bringing their lunches from home. School officials say they will instead take daily trips to Applebees.

In a recent speech, Michele Bachmann claimed Planned Parenthood was the “Lens Crafters of Big Abortion.” Not to be outdone, Sarah Palin went on Fox News declared Planned Parenthood the Jiffy-Lube of abortion and Donald Trump was quick to chime in and call them Chik-Fil-A.

In other political news, Senator Rand Paul said that coal-mining companies are overregulated and should not be responsible for protecting their workers from black lung disease. He then went on to add that he always orders black lung when he goes out for dim sum because, “It’s better than the chicken feet.”

This week, Congress has officially removed the wolf from the endangered species list in Montana and Idaho, much to the delight of hunters, who can’t wait to shoot them all.

In science news, paleontologists have long wondered how sauropod dinosaurs managed to keep themselves so large in their environment. Their questions have been answered this week, as new research indicates they were the first species to include cheese and bacon with every meal.

Late last week, an elderly woman in Georgia inadvertently cut off internet access to the entire country of Armenia when she sliced through a cable while digging for copper. Later that day, an old guy in Alabama cut off internet access to Belize when he couldn’t figure out which button on his remote would switch to the VCR.

Tuesday was the 50th anniversary of Russia sending the first man into space. Russian officials celebrated publicly saying, “In Russia, you do not take off into space…space takes you. To the moon. Well, not to the moon. But pretty far.”

In entertainment news, Zsa Zsa Gabor’s husband, Prince Frederic von Anhalt, announced recently that he wants his 94-year-old wife to become a new mother using an egg donor, artificial insemination and a surrogate. The 67-year-old father-to-be claims the couple wants to do this to pass on the Gabor name and the von Anhalt crazy.

And finally, a British couple is auctioning off a jellybean they say resembles Kate Middleton. When asked if the piece of candy could also be considered an apparition of the Virgin Mary, the couple said, “Either way. A virgin’s a virgin.” The couple went on to insist that they aren’t just trying to capitalize on the upcoming royal wedding.

Dammit! It is impossible to stay away from that (expletive deleted) story.

That’s it. I’m Kathy. If the news is broken…I fell asleep in the control tower.

The news would not be in regular need of repair without the help of these quality conspirators: @joeschmitt,@arjunbasu, @almostfancyblog, @bedheadblonde, @blobert, Bonehead Radio, @CowboyW, @davio1962,@donchiefnerd, @DoogieHowser_MD, @drivewaydrinker, @formerlycarrmah, @goldengateblond, Gregory Battin, @heathermitch, @iamnotdiddy, @iowaradioguy, Jason Betke, @JeeNeeBee, @joeygerharz, John Battin, Larry Weinstein, @northpacific, @penbleth, @rexhuppke, @ripslich Sam Battin, @ShawnaShawna, @slag_mag,@succitaM, @TheInfamousGdub, @thejohnblog, @uccoachlarry, @unfnshdprsn, @yayaa.

Breaking the News - April 1, 2011

This is a big week for The Axis of Clever and Kathy Landin’s “I’m an Idiot” Show.

WE NOW HAVE A SPONSOR!

A huge thank you and welcome to the idiocy goes out to our friends at www.comedycentral.com.

Now the pressure’s really on.

This week we fight off emo-teen, gun attacks, bear attacks, snake attacks, Perez attacks and attacks on atheists. Also, we learn something new about how to fly safely.

Enjoy the show.

And…HAPPY APRIL FOOL’S DAY!

Transcript

Happy Friday. Here are some headlines from this week. Sort of.

In our top story, on Tuesday, a teenaged Florida girl held her mom at gunpoint and forced her to buy a car. When asked how this disturbed teen could have been recently accepted into several Ivy League schools, the Admissions Committee at Harvard said, “Not since Zuckerberg have we seen a sociopath who shows so much promise.”

Early this week, a deadly Egyptian cobra went missing from New York’s Bronx Zoo. Zookeepers were relieved when they later found a note from the snake, who was named Hosni Mubarak, saying he had merely resigned. After newfound freedom and a rise to popularity on Twitter, Hosni the snake told his followers he wondered why he hadn’t thought of it sooner.

In other animal news, the Tasmanian Devil is facing extinction after a deadly cancer outbreak. One concerned biologist said in a statement to the press, “We should do everything in our power to preserve beady-eyed, snarling, smell-of-death, seemingly restless, man-mauling vermin for future generations to fear and revile.”

A Montana man employed by Great Bear Adventure won a lawsuit awarding him worker’s compensation benefits after being mauled by a bear, despite having smoked pot before entering the bear’s enclosure. Zoologists who testified in the case agree that it is likely the second-hand smoke gave the bear the munchies.

In tech news, designer Stuart Hughes has created a solid gold iPad 2 encrusted with diamonds priced at more than 8 million dollars. Sources confirm that an iPad 3 encrusted with diamonds and rubies is scheduled for release 10 minutes after we’ve all trampled over each other buying this one.

This week, an heir to the SC Johnson company fortune was accused of molesting his stepdaughter for years. Other members of his family were shocked when they heard the news, although one relative admitted in a statement, “We did think it odd he spent so much time talking about his SC Johnson.”

Air New Zealand has rolled out a new in-flight safety demonstration video featuring Richard Simmons. Some of the required safety actions highlighted in the video include: Keep your seatbelt fastened while seated; No smoking in the lavatory; Note the location of all emergency exits on the plane; and, in the event of a water landing, put on a brightly colored, bedazzled tank top and extremely short shorts and “walk it out, everybody”!

Late last week, Kate Middleton, future bride of Prince William, had her bachelorette party, traditionally referred to as her “hen night”. A source close to the future royal said that while the girls stayed out late behaving like hens, Prince William was forced to stay home and choke the chicken.

The FDA has issued new concerns that food dyes found in processed foods such as soda and candy cause children to be hyperactive. The manufacturer of Yellow #5 said in a statement, “Yeah, it’s the color of the jelly beans that’s making them spaz out. Sure.”

Recently, it was discovered that the Proboscis Monkey regularly regurgitates and re-chews its own food. The purging primate is now thought to be in the Tracey Gold and Tina Yothers family.

This week, CNN contributor, Dr. Wendy Walsh claimed that people who don’t believe in God die first in survival situations. She went on to add, “Except in tornadoes. People who don’t believe in basements die in tornadoes.”

And finally, in entertainment news, Perez Hilton announced that he will be publishing a children’s book. When asked why he decided to write the book, the celebrity blogger said, “I wanted to create a story that would celebrate individuality. And then make fun of what the children are wearing.”

That’s it. I’m Kathy. If the news is broken…oh my god there’s a snake in here!

For the actual stories

Yes, It’s an Actual Gun Story

Yes, It’s an Actual Snake Story

Yes, It’s an Actual Tasmanian Devil Story

Yes, It’s an Actual Dopey Bear Story

Yes, It’s an Actual Bejeweled iPad Story

Yes, It’s an Actual Jerk Story

Yes, It’s an Actual Richard Simmons Story

Yes, It’s an Actual Lame-Ass Royal Wedding Story

Yes, It’s an Actual FDA Story

Yes, It’s an Actual Monkey Story

Yes, It’s an Actual Dumbass Story

This One I’m Not Sure About

The news would not be in regular need of repair without the help of these quality conspirators: @joeschmitt,@arjunbasu, @almostfancyblog, @bedheadblonde, @blobert, Bonehead Radio, @CowboyW, @davio1962,@donchiefnerd, @DoogieHowser_MD, @drivewaydrinker, @formerlycarrmah, @goldengateblond, Gregory Battin, @heathermitch, @iamnotdiddy, @iowaradioguy, Jason Betke, @JeeNeeBee, @joeygerharz, John Battin, Larry Weinstein, @northpacific, @penbleth, @rexhuppke, @ripslich Sam Battin, @ShawnaShawna, @slag_mag,@succitaM, @TheInfamousGdub, @thejohnblog, @unfnshdprsn, @yayaa.

Breaking the News - March 25, 2011

The Axis of Clever and Kathy Landin’s “I’m an Idiot” Show really have no idea what’s going on in Libya or how to explain it, probably because they missed most of the conversation after falling asleep while hearing about Will & Kate’s wedding again. We’re just hoping that after this we’ll still have our jobs at Aflac. Note: No jokes about Charlie Sheen were made during the production of this “newscast” (as far as you know).

Transcript

Happy Friday. Here are some headlines from the last couple of weeks. Sort of.

In our top story, in a surprising step in international relations, sources confirm that production has begun on a new show starring Tara Reid called Getting Bombed in Libya.

In political news, former Nevada Senate candidate, Sharron Angle, has announced plans to self-publish an autobiography titled “Right Angle.” Sources say, she approached several publishers with her manuscript, but was rejected for being…obtuse.

In boring international wedding news, sources confirm that Prince Albert of Monaco and his fiancée will attend the upcoming royal wedding of William and Kate. The RSVP was reportedly delayed, as it took some time to get Prince Albert out of the can.

The Dalai Lama announced in an interview last week that he was certain he would live to be 113. According to the article, the His Holiness would like to live long enough to: experience The Rapture, use all of his rollover minutes, be invited to appear on Celebrity Apprentice, find out if his sandals really do come with a lifetime guarantee, travel by jetpack, get credible news from the Fox News Channel, see the release of the iPhone 615, join the Mile High Club.

In business news, insurance company, Aflac, has fired celebrity spokes-voice, Gilbert Gottfried for making insensitive comments about disaster victims in Japan. A representative from the company said in a statement, “We’ve told Gottfried before, if you can’t think of anything nice to say, just say ‘AFLAAAAAC!’” Sources confirm that Fran Drescher is being considered for the job.

On Tuesday, Chris Brown broke a window and trashed a dressing room at the Good Morning America studios after becoming frustrated with questions Robin Roberts asked during his interview. Brown’s publicist defended his actions in a statement saying, “It’s just a simple misunderstanding. In his court ordered counseling he was taught that whenever you want to punch a woman, you should just throw a chair through a window instead. Oh, and don’t forget to buy his new album.”

In news from Hollywood, Micheal Lohan was arrested by authorities late Monday. Sources confirm that he is being charged with fathering Lindsay Lohan.

In other entertainment news, late last week, Katie Holmes revealed in an interview that husband Tom Cruise got her a sewing machine for her birthday. She told the interviewer, “I sure hope I get one of those Powered Toilet Bowl Scrubbers for our anniversary. Jerk.”

And finally, on Wednesday, Elizabeth Taylor released a new scent. (awkward pause)

That’s it. I’m Kathy. If the news is broken…Chris Brown did it.

(credits)

Rest in peace Elizabeth Taylor Hilton Wilding Rodham Clinton Todd Tina Fey Amy Fisher Burton Burton Warner Brothers Universal supercalifrajilisticexpealidocious Fortensky.

The news would not be in regular need of repair without the help of these quality conspirators: @joeschmitt,@arjunbasu, @almostfancyblog, @bedheadblonde, @blobert, Bonehead Radio, @CowboyW, @davio1962,@donchiefnerd, @DoogieHowser_MD, @drivewaydrinker, @formerlycarrmah, @goldengateblond, Gregory Battin, @heathermitch, @iamnotdiddy, @iowaradioguy, Jason Betke, @JeeNeeBee, @joeygerharz, John Battin, Larry Weinstein, @northpacific, @penbleth, @rexhuppke, @ripslich Sam Battin, @ShawnaShawna, @slag_mag,@succitaM, @TheInfamousGdub, @thejohnblog, @unfnshdprsn, @yayaa.

Breaking the News - March 11, 2011

The Axis of Clever and Kathy Landin’s “I’m an Idiot” Show are winning this week. And we can assure you, we made very little of this stuff up. Newt LOVES his…ummm…country, photographing farms ensures the onslaught of socialism and Charlie Sheen is from outer space. Of course we need a foh-tee of Starbucks. How else will we power through?

Transcript

Happy Friday. Here are some headlines from this week. Sort of.

In our top story, a White House official told reporters that President Obama plans to nominate Commerce Secretary Gary Locke to be the next U.S. Ambassador to China. When later asked why Locke was the best choice, the President said, “Look at him. Then look at China. Then look at him. And look at China. Now, look at him. Now, look at China. Him. China. Him. China. Him.”

In other political news, on Wednesday, Newt Gingrich claimed in an interview that it was his love of country that was partially to blame for at least one of his extra-marital affairs. He told the interviewer, “Well, that of course only explains the affair with Country. She was a sweet piece of a…”(Kathy interrupts with “end quote”)

A bill that was just introduced in the Florida legislature would make it a felony to take a photograph of a working farm without permission. In a surprising twist, Florida farmers don’t seem to be supporting the bill, saying in a statement, “We don’t care if you take pictures of us skinning these cows. We have nothing to…hide.”

Sorry.

Political turmoil continued in Wisconsin this week as the war of words and battle of wills between Democrats and Republicans escalated. This story is constantly changing, so by the time you see this, somebody’s mother will likely have been insulted and a fight scheduled out by the bike racks.

Coffee mega-chain, Starbucks, celebrates its 40th year in business this week. In honor of this major milestone, Starbucks coffee will now be available in a foh-tee and sold with a commemorative paper bag.

A new paper released by an award winning NASA scientist hypothesizes that life on Earth may have begun in outer space. Researchers agree that this theory finally provides a realistic explanation for such inexplicable phenomena as Ghaddafi, Sarah Palin, Charlie Sheen, Mike Huckabee, Gary Busey, Chicken McNuggets, Donald Trump’s hair, WalMart shoppers and well, of course, Kevin Spacey. Not just a clever name.

This week, former NPR fundraiser, Ron Schiller, was caught on tape calling Tea Partiers racists and saying that NPR was justified in firing Juan Williams. Steve Bass, NPR President and CEO, responded to Schiller’s comments in a press conference saying, “Umm…which part do I ‘duh’ first?” The rest of America then continued a long-standing tradition by mostly ignoring what NPR was doing at all.

In other broadcast news, an inside source confirms that Fox News is considering ending Glenn Beck’s run when his contract expires in December. Network executives claim that Beck has put the channel’s credibility as a news network at risk. Beck responded in a statement saying, “What’s credibility?”

In entertainment news, after being officially released from his contract with Warner Brothers, a disheveled and incoherent Charlie Sheen appeared on the roof of his Malibu home drinking a milkshake of Elvis’ cremated remains, waving a burning American flag and making sweet love to a bald eagle. Hollywood insiders agree this proves Sheen has clearly taken a job advertising discount tax service.

And finally, in a related story, during a recent television appearance a crew member noticed that Charlie Sheen’s fly was down. When this was pointed out to Mr. Sheen, he replied, “Fixed. Done. I zipped it with my mind. Winning!” Then he waved his machete and was gone.

That’s it. I’m Kathy. If the news is broken…I should be the next ambassador to China.

(credits)

Look at him. Then look at me. Now look at him. And look at me. Look at him. Look at me.

For the actual stories

40 Is the New Vanilla Latte

Didn’t We See This in Star Wars?

Well, Was He Wrong?

Pockets Full of Credibility

Might As Well Put On That Lady Liberty Costume

The news would not be in regular need of repair without the help of these quality conspirators:@joeschmitt, @arjunbasu, @almostfancyblog, @bedheadblonde, @blobert, Bonehead Radio, @CowboyW,@davio1962, @donchiefnerd, @DoogieHowser_MD, @drivewaydrinker, @formerlycarrmah,@goldengateblond, Gregory Battin, @heathermitch, @iamnotdiddy, @iowaradioguy, Jason Betke,@JeeNeeBee, @joeygerharz, John Battin, Larry Weinstein, @northpacific, @penbleth, @rexhuppke, @ripslichSam Battin, @ShawnaShawna, @slag_mag, @succitaM, @TheInfamousGdub, @thejohnblog, @unfnshdprsn,@yayaa.

Breaking the News - February 4, 2011

The Axis of Clever and Kathy Landin’s “I’m an Idiot” Show tried to avoid Bangles jokes and Justin Bieber, to no avail. Also, we discovered that “daughter of the Bush administration” is a great new euphemism for lesbianism and in order to not be a fatty fat fat fat, we should eat less. Of everything. Who knew?

Happy Year of the Rabbit! Enjoy.

The news would not be in regular need of repair without the help of these quality conspirators: @joeschmitt, @arjunbasu, @almostfancyblog, @bedheadblonde,@blobert,Bonehead Radio, @CowboyW, @davio1962, @donchiefnerd, @DoogieHowser_MD,@drivewaydrinker, @formerlycarrmah, @goldengateblond, Gregory Battin, @heathermitch,@iamnotdiddy, @iowaradioguy, Jason Betke, @JeeNeeBee, @joeygerharz, John Battin, Larry Weinstein, @northpacific, @penbleth, @rexhuppke, @ripslich Sam Battin, @ShawnaShawna,@slag_mag, @succitaM, @TheInfamousGdub, @thejohnblog, @unfnshdprsn, @yayaa.

Breaking the News - January 21, 2011

The Axis of Clever and Kathy Landin’s “I’m an Idiot” are a little bit NSFW this week. BE YE WARNED! Not to mention all kinds of into politics. Government politics, sexual politics, environmental politics, Hollywood politics and Glenn Beck, who is just a tick. So sit back, gulp your big Starbucks chug-a-mug and enjoy getting caught up on current events.

The news would not be in regular need of repair without the help of these quality conspirators:@joeschmitt, @arjunbasu, @almostfancyblog, @bedheadblonde, @blobert, Bonehead Radio, @CowboyW,@davio1962, @donchiefnerd, @DoogieHowser_MD, @drivewaydrinker, @formerlycarrmah,@goldengateblond, Gregory Battin, @heathermitch, @iamnotdiddy, @iowaradioguy, Jason Betke,@JeeNeeBee, @joeygerharz, John Battin, Larry Weinstein, @northpacific, @penbleth, @rexhuppke, @ripslichSam Battin, @ShawnaShawna, @slag_mag, @succitaM, @TheInfamousGdub, @thejohnblog, @unfnshdprsn,@yayaa.

Breaking the News - January 7, 2011

The Axis of Clever and Kathy Landin’s “I’m an Idiot” Show are back from a brief holiday hiatus to make sure you know how tan your elected officials are, how to catch a bird spy and and just how many beans it takes to make a car run on compressed air. There’s also Snooki, Brett Favre and Oprah, but that’s just for the purposes of SEO.

Transcript

Happy New Year! We’re back at it after a brief hiatus, so here are some headlines from the first week of 2011. Still…only sort of.

In our top story, this first week of the new year marks the inaugural session of the freshly elected 112th Congress. Washington insiders came out in force to congratulate Snooki on her new role as Speaker of the House.

In other news from the Capitol, President Obama has returned to the White House after spending the holidays vacationing with his family in Hawaii. A member of the President’s staff told reporters the President was glad to get away so he could “work on his tan and be half as dark as new House Speaker John Boehner.”

In international news, the French are selling hotel stays at Versailles to generate income in order to repair their beloved palace. Sources say plans could be derailed as newly hired hotel workers have already begun plotting their strike. However, First Lady of France, Carla Bruni-Sarkozy assures there will be no strike, promising, “The workers will all get cake.”

In Taipei, a Taiwanese woman married herself in a…well…kind of traditional wedding ceremony. Sources close to the…ummm…bride said the new…Mrs. Wei-yi later spent a quiet evening at home and, was “strangely glad to have received so many batteries as wedding gifts.”

In other “news”, a vulture with a research tag from Tel Aviv University flew into Saudi Arabia and was detained under suspicion of being a spy. A bird spy. They arrested the vulture. For spying.

Here in the U.S., 2,000 birds fell from the sky and more than 100,000 fish died mysteriously in Arkansas on New Year’s Eve. And with reports of birds dying in several other states and thousands of crabs dying in England, many religious experts believe we are entering a period of updated, modern plagues sent by God to correct heathen behavior. With that in mind, here are some other plagues to watch out for: John Boehner’s tan; new episodes of The Jersey Shore; having to live in Arkansas; shows featuring Paula Abdul; Michelle Bachman running for President; giant bows on cars; Sarah Palin; Brett Favre; The Real Housewives of Little Rock; and women marrying themselves.

In technology news, researchers in the UK have created a car that will run on compressed air. Little is known about the estimated range of the vehicle, but according to one researcher, “It depends upon your bean intake.”

New reports indicate that the US’s bumblebee population has declined by almost 96% over the last 10 years. Experts don’t believe this will be a huge issue as Brett Favre is now freed up to help with pollinating. Probably.

In news from Hollywood, early this week, aging celebrity Zsa Zsa Gabor was hospitalized for surgery to partially amputate her right leg. A family spokesperson said that after the procedure, the actress will just go by Zsa.

British actor Pete Postlethwaite passed away this week. While not a widely known thelebrity, he wath beloved by the lithped community and will be thorely mithed. (thorry)

In entertainment news, Oprah Winfrey launched her first new network, OWN, on cable this week. Many viewers were surprised to find out that the Food Network was not Oprah’s.

And finally, David Arquette entered rehab this week. Hollywood insiders say therapists don’t hold out much hope for the struggling celeb, as there is no known cure for being David Arquette.

That’s it. I’m Kathy. If the news is broken, not much has changed in the new year.

(credits)

It’th hard to thtop lithping now.

For the actual stories

D.C.’s Golden Boy

Tanning The Pres’s Hide

Off With Their Beds

Anything You Can Do

BIRD SPY!

When Do The Grasshoppers Arrive

Toot The Horn

Favre Can Do The Buzzing

One Leg, One Zsa

Thorry Mither Postlethwaite

Oprah Shares Her Big O

No Cure For David

The news would not be in regular need of repair without the help of these quality conspirators:@joeschmitt, @arjunbasu, @almostfancyblog, @bedheadblonde, @blobert,Bonehead Radio, @CowboyW,@davio1962, @donchiefnerd, @DoogieHowser_MD, @drivewaydrinker, @formerlycarrmah,@goldengateblond, Gregory Battin, @heathermitch, @iamnotdiddy, @iowaradioguy, Jason Betke,@JeeNeeBee, @joeygerharz, John Battin, Larry Weinstein, @northpacific, @penbleth, @rexhuppke, @ripslichSam Battin, @ShawnaShawna, @slag_mag, @succitaM, @TheInfamousGdub, @thejohnblog, @unfnshdprsn,@yayaa.