Breaking The News

Breaking the News - BEST WEEK EVER SLIGHTLY NSFW The Axis of...

Tue, 20 Sep 2011 20:08:00 -0400

Breaking the News - BEST WEEK EVER

SLIGHTLY NSFW

The Axis of Clever and Kathy Landin’s “I’m an Idiot” Show believe that last week maybe have been the BEST WEEK OF NEWS EVER! Sarah Palin had a romantic tryst. Pat Robertson got soft on divorce. Scarlett Johannson sent naked pics to the whole internet. Charlie Sheen is sane again?! Even Spongebob got in a little trouble for us.

For the actual stories

Honkers if You Love Jesus

Oh Wow. Do Not Read the Eel Story

Hell’s Crotchin’

Players Make Passes and Score

Hopefully He Does the Laugh

Transcript

Hi! Last week was probably the BEST WEEK OF NEWS EVER. Here are some headlines. Sort of.

In our top story from the BEST WEEK OF NEWS EVER, a new book revealed that Sarah Palin once had a romantic tryst with then college basketball star, Glen Rice. Critics of Palin, however, say this is all just a farce aimed at gaining the votes of a demographic she doesn’t reach. People who read books and study things.

In other useless people who don’t belong in Washington news, during the BEST WEEK OF NEWS EVER, the White House gate-crashing couple Tareq and Michaele Salahi are getting a divorce after Michaele, who had been reported missing by her husband, was found safe and sound in the open arms of Journey guitarist Neal Schon. The cuckolded husband said in a statement, “Apparently the only crashing my wife has been doing lately is on the couches of aging rock stars.”

On the anniversary of the September 11th attacks, during the BEST WEEK OF NEWS EVER, military jets escorted an American Airlines flight after 3 passengers refused to leave the bathroom. When questioned about the apparent overreaction, a flight attendant on board explained, “If you had smelled what was coming out of there, you’d want keep us out of your airspace, too.” Officials say the contents of the bathroom were safely evacuated over the skies of Canada.

Also during the BEST WEEK OF NEWS EVER, on his Christian talk show, the 700 Club, Pat Robertson told viewers that it was acceptable to divorce a spouse with Alzheimers disease. Coincidentally, when asked to comment, Mrs. Robertson said, “Who? What? Where am I?”

In a related story, some religious groups are now attempting to get closer to God by adding physical fitness to their worship, in the form of pole dancing. Theologians agree that this means the new answer to the question “What would Jesus do?” is “Carry a big fat wad of singles.”

It was also the BEST WEEK OF INTERNATIONAL NEWS EVER, as a man in China had to have a 15 centimeter eel removed from his bladder after it swam up his penis during a spa visit. (Kathy shudders) Richard Gere was unavailable for comment.

Also during THE BEST WEEK OF INTERNATIONAL NEWS EVER, a dwarf porn star who was Gordon Ramsay’s near double was found dead and partially eaten in a badger’s den in the U.K. The badger later apologized for his mistake and promised to get the right guy next time.

In the BEST WEEK OF SPORTS NEWS EVER, the first week if the NFL season included record amounts of passing and scoring. All without a single Brett Favre crotch photo.

In the BEST WEEK OF ENTERTAINMENT NEWS EVER, the Academy of Arts and Sciences announced that Eddie Murphy will host the next broadcast of the Oscars. When reached for comment, Murphy said, “I’m gonna what now?”

In other Hollywood news during the BEST WEEK OF NEWS EVER, at the Toronto Film Festival, Nicolas Cage confessed that he once woke up to find a naked man in his bedroom eating a fudgesicle. He went on to say that the man finally left after he got tired of Cage begging him to put him in a movie. (pleads) ANY MOVIE.

Also in Hollywood during the BEST WEEK OF NEWS EVER, Charlie Sheen appeared on the Tonight Show and agreed that he had been behaving in an insane manner and couldn’t explain why, but seems now to be perfectly normal. Inside sources say this proves that Jay Leno can take the funny out of anyone.

Wrapping up the BEST WEEK OF NEWS EVER in Hollywood, somehow, nude self-portraits of Scarlett Johannson taken with her mobile phone made it onto the internet for everyone to see. Ok. Show’s over!

That’s it. I’m Kathy. If the news is broken…screw this. I’m gonna go find those pics.

Credits to Spongebob Squarepants “The Best Day Ever”

Breaking the News - June 13, 2011 The Axis of Clever and Kathy...

Mon, 13 Jun 2011 15:15:38 -0400

Breaking the News - June 13, 2011

The Axis of Clever and Kathy Landin’s “I’m an Idiot” Show tried really hard to avoid Weiner jokes this week. They were unsuccessful. A lot. They also use Facebook to avoid murder and get thirsty watching E!, but mostly, Weiner. So much so that the show gets slightly NSFW at the end. Sorry. At least we didn’t tweet our private photos.

Transcript

Happy Monday! Here are some headlines from the last week. Sort of.

In our top story, a shocking revelation last week as sources revealed that New York Representative Anthony Weiner still uses AOL to send email. However, even after confessing to using the so 2003 service to send sexually charged content, the beleaguered Congressman still denies that he was ever photographed with a dog wearing a pull-over.

In a related story, Representative Anthony Weiner has confired that it may have been a mistyped message that caused the world to see his private photo. We here at Breaking the News apologize for any photos of our privates our typos may have caused.

Also related, emboldened by finally getting a story right, Andrew Breitbart of Breitbart.com has now demanded lewd pictures from all Democrats for, “reference in future stories.”

In other news, yes, there was other news, a Florida homeowner foreclosed on Bank of America after the company failed to pay fees awarded in a court settlement. Bank officials say there will be a sale on all pens with chains to recover money owed.

Lawmakers in San Francisco are reviewing a bill that would make circumcising babies illegal. Opponents of the law say not allowing circumcision will make it more difficult to identify “personal” photos posted by politicians in the future.

In other political news, Newt Gingrich’s staff walked out on him late last week. Inside sources say it was angry because he refused to post it on Twitter like all the other politicians do.

An Indiana woman used Facebook to uncover a murder plot her soon-to-be ex-husband was formulating against her. She then also used it to send some goats to destroy his Farmville farm.

In celebrity news, Ice-T and his wife Coco are starring in a new reality series called “Ice-T loves Coco” that premiered on the E! channel over the weekend. Early ratings indicate that audiences are thirsty for more.

In other Hollywood news, Tracy Morgan apologized publicly on Friday for a comedy routine that was deemed by some to be violently anti-gay. Those who witnessed the performance say it provided proof that his real name is Tracy M. Organ.

And finally, recording artist Pink has given birth to a baby girl, who she and husband, Carey Hart, named Willow Sage. Pink explained the name to family members saying “6 more babies and we’ll be a complete Crayola box.”

That’s it. I’m Kathy. If the news is broken…my staff totally walked out on me this week.

credits

Dick joke! Sorry, it just seemed like we didn’t have enough this week.

For the actual stories

Weiner Dog

Tit for Typo

Breitbart Gets One Right

Tables Turned…Onto the Street

Tip for Having Kids

Staff Dysfunction

Facebook DetectiveVille

Thirsty for Good Programming

Tracy M. Organ

The news would not be in regular need of repair without the help of these quality conspirators: @joeschmitt,@arjunbasu, @almostfancyblog, @blobert, Bonehead Radio, @CowboyW, @davio1962, @donchiefnerd,@DoogieHowser_MD, @drivewaydrinker, @formerlycarrmah, @goldengateblond, Gregory Battin,@heathermitch, @iamnotdiddy, Jason Betke, @JeeNeeBee, @joeygerharz, John Battin, Larry Weinstein,@northpacific, @penbleth, @rexhuppke, @ripslich Sam Battin, @ShawnaShawna, @slag_mag,@succitaM, @thejohnblog, @unfnshdprsn, @yayaa.

Breaking the News - June 6, 2011 The Axis of Clever and Kathy...

Mon, 06 Jun 2011 10:39:40 -0400

Breaking the News - June 6, 2011

The Axis of Clever and Kathy Landin’s “I’m an Idiot” Show put a lot of effort into breaking the news, but sometimes it just breaks itself. Like when scientists find that women are dominant in relationships, or politicians named Weiner post photos of their weiners, or priests are charged with pedophilia while investigating pedophilia, or when something at Paula Abdul’s house makes you high. Seriously people, make us try a little bit.

For the actual stories

iPad Kidney - The Next One is on Its Way

Think Wrinkles

Brownie Shocker

Transcript

Happy Monday! Here are some headlines from the last week. Sort of.

In our top story, suicide celebrity Dr. Jack Kevorkian passed away Friday in a Detroit hospital from kidney and respiratory complication and…karma. Doctors say he would have died sooner, but none of his friends were available to “assist”.

In science news, researchers have released findings that indicate that cavewomen were more dominant than cavemen and likely called the shots at home. Breaking the News requested a comment from the Geico caveman, but his wife wouldn’t let him call in.

Court documents revealed that John Edwards spent almost one million dollars to keep his mistress and their lovechild in hiding during the 2008 election. Economists agree that this proves that *inflation* has caused the price of sex to skyrocket.

And that cavemistresses are more dominant than cavemen too.

In other political news, New York Representative Anthony Weiner, reportedly posted a lewd photo of a certain part of his body on Twitter last week. We’re just glad his name’s not: Anthony Pustulous Boil-Butt.

In Catholic Church news, a priest who was tasked by the Pope with investigating cases of pedophilia has been charged with…pedophilia. The Vatican has halted all on-going internal investigations citing concerns over the activities of the team looking into cases of bestiality.

In international news, a 17-year-old boy in China was reported to have sold his kidney to afford an iPad2. Of course, an hour later, he had to sell his other one.

Last week, California researchers claimed they can convert human skin cells into functioning brain cells. Upon hearing this news, Joan Rivers asked if that also meant they could convert brain cells into skin cells, saying, “I’d rather have great skin than remember my grandchildren’s names and birthdays.”

And finally, in celebrity news, Kara DioGuardi said in a recent interview that she once –inadvertently- got really high after eating some brownies she found at Paula Abdul’s house.

That’s it. I’m Kathy. If the news is broken…I just…I wouldn’t eat ANYTHING I found at Paula Abdul’s house.

credits

Just wait until I post a picture of my Landin.

The news would not be in regular need of repair without the help of these quality conspirators: @joeschmitt,@arjunbasu, @almostfancyblog, @bedheadblonde, @blobert, Bonehead Radio, @CowboyW, @davio1962,@donchiefnerd, @DoogieHowser_MD, @drivewaydrinker, @formerlycarrmah, @goldengateblond, Gregory Battin, @heathermitch, @iamnotdiddy, @iowaradioguy, Jason Betke, @JeeNeeBee, @joeygerharz, John Battin, Larry Weinstein, @northpacific, @penbleth, @rexhuppke, @ripslich Sam Battin, @ShawnaShawna, @slag_mag,@succitaM, @TheInfamousGdub, @thejohnblog, @unfnshdprsn, @yayaa.

Breaking the News - April 15, 2011 The Axis of Clever and Kathy...

Fri, 15 Apr 2011 09:29:08 -0400

Breaking the News - April 15, 2011

The Axis of Clever and Kathy Landin’s “I’m an Idiot” Show are asleep in the tower this week. We refuse to discuss the royal wedding, but we will share that Zsa Zsa wants to be a baby mama and she’ll be able to take her child to Applebee’s for a margarita. And, Southwest is finally able to explain how their planes got holes in them.

For the actual stories

France Won’t Surrender Right-of-way

Babies on the Bottle

Brown Bag Ban

Does She Know What They Do at Lens Crafters?

Lung Color Blind

Good News, Wolves. Now…Run!

Fatty Fatty Dinosaur

Hide Your Internet Access

Bang! Zoom! Nearly to the Moon!

Ga-ga Zsa Zsa

Couldn’t Avoid It

Transcript

Happy Friday. Here are some headlines from this week. Sort of.

In our top story, an editorial note. In the frenzy of all things William & Kate, we are officially declaring Breaking the News to be a Royal Wedding Free Zone from this point on.

In other news, on Monday, a Jumbo Air France jet liner clipped a Delta Connection flight at New York’s JFK airport, causing damage to the smaller plane. Southwest Airlines immediately issued a statement saying, “Yeah, that’s what happened to our planes too. Air France did it.”

Late last week, a toddler was served a margarita at an Applebees in Detroit. In response, Applebees has announced that it will retrain all of its servers nationwide and will begin offering margaritas in three sizes: Large, Medium and Sippy Cup. They will still be available frozen or on the rocks.

In a related story, a Chicago school now prohibits students from bringing their lunches from home. School officials say they will instead take daily trips to Applebees.

In a recent speech, Michele Bachmann claimed Planned Parenthood was the “Lens Crafters of Big Abortion.” Not to be outdone, Sarah Palin went on Fox News declared Planned Parenthood the Jiffy-Lube of abortion and Donald Trump was quick to chime in and call them Chik-Fil-A.

In other political news, Senator Rand Paul said that coal-mining companies are overregulated and should not be responsible for protecting their workers from black lung disease. He then went on to add that he always orders black lung when he goes out for dim sum because, “It’s better than the chicken feet.”

This week, Congress has officially removed the wolf from the endangered species list in Montana and Idaho, much to the delight of hunters, who can’t wait to shoot them all.

In science news, paleontologists have long wondered how sauropod dinosaurs managed to keep themselves so large in their environment. Their questions have been answered this week, as new research indicates they were the first species to include cheese and bacon with every meal.

Late last week, an elderly woman in Georgia inadvertently cut off internet access to the entire country of Armenia when she sliced through a cable while digging for copper. Later that day, an old guy in Alabama cut off internet access to Belize when he couldn’t figure out which button on his remote would switch to the VCR.

Tuesday was the 50th anniversary of Russia sending the first man into space. Russian officials celebrated publicly saying, “In Russia, you do not take off into space…space takes you. To the moon. Well, not to the moon. But pretty far.”

In entertainment news, Zsa Zsa Gabor’s husband, Prince Frederic von Anhalt, announced recently that he wants his 94-year-old wife to become a new mother using an egg donor, artificial insemination and a surrogate. The 67-year-old father-to-be claims the couple wants to do this to pass on the Gabor name and the von Anhalt crazy.

And finally, a British couple is auctioning off a jellybean they say resembles Kate Middleton. When asked if the piece of candy could also be considered an apparition of the Virgin Mary, the couple said, “Either way. A virgin’s a virgin.” The couple went on to insist that they aren’t just trying to capitalize on the upcoming royal wedding.

Dammit! It is impossible to stay away from that (expletive deleted) story.

That’s it. I’m Kathy. If the news is broken…I fell asleep in the control tower.

Breaking the News - April 1, 2011 This is a big week for The...

Fri, 01 Apr 2011 17:04:05 -0400

Breaking the News - April 1, 2011

This is a big week for The Axis of Clever and Kathy Landin’s “I’m an Idiot” Show.

WE NOW HAVE A SPONSOR!

A huge thank you and welcome to the idiocy goes out to our friends at www.comedycentral.com.

Now the pressure’s really on.

This week we fight off emo-teen, gun attacks, bear attacks, snake attacks, Perez attacks and attacks on atheists. Also, we learn something new about how to fly safely.

Enjoy the show.

And…HAPPY APRIL FOOL’S DAY!

Transcript

Happy Friday. Here are some headlines from this week. Sort of.

In our top story, on Tuesday, a teenaged Florida girl held her mom at gunpoint and forced her to buy a car. When asked how this disturbed teen could have been recently accepted into several Ivy League schools, the Admissions Committee at Harvard said, “Not since Zuckerberg have we seen a sociopath who shows so much promise.”

Early this week, a deadly Egyptian cobra went missing from New York’s Bronx Zoo. Zookeepers were relieved when they later found a note from the snake, who was named Hosni Mubarak, saying he had merely resigned. After newfound freedom and a rise to popularity on Twitter, Hosni the snake told his followers he wondered why he hadn’t thought of it sooner.

In other animal news, the Tasmanian Devil is facing extinction after a deadly cancer outbreak. One concerned biologist said in a statement to the press, “We should do everything in our power to preserve beady-eyed, snarling, smell-of-death, seemingly restless, man-mauling vermin for future generations to fear and revile.”

A Montana man employed by Great Bear Adventure won a lawsuit awarding him worker’s compensation benefits after being mauled by a bear, despite having smoked pot before entering the bear’s enclosure. Zoologists who testified in the case agree that it is likely the second-hand smoke gave the bear the munchies.

In tech news, designer Stuart Hughes has created a solid gold iPad 2 encrusted with diamonds priced at more than 8 million dollars. Sources confirm that an iPad 3 encrusted with diamonds and rubies is scheduled for release 10 minutes after we’ve all trampled over each other buying this one.

This week, an heir to the SC Johnson company fortune was accused of molesting his stepdaughter for years. Other members of his family were shocked when they heard the news, although one relative admitted in a statement, “We did think it odd he spent so much time talking about his SC Johnson.”

Air New Zealand has rolled out a new in-flight safety demonstration video featuring Richard Simmons. Some of the required safety actions highlighted in the video include: Keep your seatbelt fastened while seated; No smoking in the lavatory; Note the location of all emergency exits on the plane; and, in the event of a water landing, put on a brightly colored, bedazzled tank top and extremely short shorts and “walk it out, everybody”!

Late last week, Kate Middleton, future bride of Prince William, had her bachelorette party, traditionally referred to as her “hen night”. A source close to the future royal said that while the girls stayed out late behaving like hens, Prince William was forced to stay home and choke the chicken.

The FDA has issued new concerns that food dyes found in processed foods such as soda and candy cause children to be hyperactive. The manufacturer of Yellow #5 said in a statement, “Yeah, it’s the color of the jelly beans that’s making them spaz out. Sure.”

Recently, it was discovered that the Proboscis Monkey regularly regurgitates and re-chews its own food. The purging primate is now thought to be in the Tracey Gold and Tina Yothers family.

This week, CNN contributor, Dr. Wendy Walsh claimed that people who don’t believe in God die first in survival situations. She went on to add, “Except in tornadoes. People who don’t believe in basements die in tornadoes.”

And finally, in entertainment news, Perez Hilton announced that he will be publishing a children’s book. When asked why he decided to write the book, the celebrity blogger said, “I wanted to create a story that would celebrate individuality. And then make fun of what the children are wearing.”

That’s it. I’m Kathy. If the news is broken…oh my god there’s a snake in here!

For the actual stories

Yes, It’s an Actual Gun Story

Yes, It’s an Actual Snake Story

Yes, It’s an Actual Tasmanian Devil Story

Yes, It’s an Actual Dopey Bear Story

Yes, It’s an Actual Bejeweled iPad Story

Yes, It’s an Actual Jerk Story

Yes, It’s an Actual Richard Simmons Story

Yes, It’s an Actual Lame-Ass Royal Wedding Story

Yes, It’s an Actual FDA Story

Yes, It’s an Actual Monkey Story

Yes, It’s an Actual Dumbass Story

This One I’m Not Sure About

Breaking the News - March 25, 2011 The Axis of Clever and Kathy...

Sun, 27 Mar 2011 18:06:46 -0400

Breaking the News - March 25, 2011

The Axis of Clever and Kathy Landin’s “I’m an Idiot” Show really have no idea what’s going on in Libya or how to explain it, probably because they missed most of the conversation after falling asleep while hearing about Will & Kate’s wedding again. We’re just hoping that after this we’ll still have our jobs at Aflac. Note: No jokes about Charlie Sheen were made during the production of this “newscast” (as far as you know).

Transcript

Happy Friday. Here are some headlines from the last couple of weeks. Sort of.

In our top story, in a surprising step in international relations, sources confirm that production has begun on a new show starring Tara Reid called Getting Bombed in Libya.

In political news, former Nevada Senate candidate, Sharron Angle, has announced plans to self-publish an autobiography titled “Right Angle.” Sources say, she approached several publishers with her manuscript, but was rejected for being…obtuse.

In boring international wedding news, sources confirm that Prince Albert of Monaco and his fiancée will attend the upcoming royal wedding of William and Kate. The RSVP was reportedly delayed, as it took some time to get Prince Albert out of the can.

The Dalai Lama announced in an interview last week that he was certain he would live to be 113. According to the article, the His Holiness would like to live long enough to: experience The Rapture, use all of his rollover minutes, be invited to appear on Celebrity Apprentice, find out if his sandals really do come with a lifetime guarantee, travel by jetpack, get credible news from the Fox News Channel, see the release of the iPhone 615, join the Mile High Club.

In business news, insurance company, Aflac, has fired celebrity spokes-voice, Gilbert Gottfried for making insensitive comments about disaster victims in Japan. A representative from the company said in a statement, “We’ve told Gottfried before, if you can’t think of anything nice to say, just say ‘AFLAAAAAC!’” Sources confirm that Fran Drescher is being considered for the job.

On Tuesday, Chris Brown broke a window and trashed a dressing room at the Good Morning America studios after becoming frustrated with questions Robin Roberts asked during his interview. Brown’s publicist defended his actions in a statement saying, “It’s just a simple misunderstanding. In his court ordered counseling he was taught that whenever you want to punch a woman, you should just throw a chair through a window instead. Oh, and don’t forget to buy his new album.”

In news from Hollywood, Micheal Lohan was arrested by authorities late Monday. Sources confirm that he is being charged with fathering Lindsay Lohan.

In other entertainment news, late last week, Katie Holmes revealed in an interview that husband Tom Cruise got her a sewing machine for her birthday. She told the interviewer, “I sure hope I get one of those Powered Toilet Bowl Scrubbers for our anniversary. Jerk.”

And finally, on Wednesday, Elizabeth Taylor released a new scent. (awkward pause)

That’s it. I’m Kathy. If the news is broken…Chris Brown did it.

(credits)

Rest in peace Elizabeth Taylor Hilton Wilding Rodham Clinton Todd Tina Fey Amy Fisher Burton Burton Warner Brothers Universal supercalifrajilisticexpealidocious Fortensky.

Breaking the News - March 11, 2011 The Axis of Clever and Kathy...

Fri, 11 Mar 2011 12:19:12 -0500

Breaking the News - March 11, 2011

The Axis of Clever and Kathy Landin’s “I’m an Idiot” Show are winning this week. And we can assure you, we made very little of this stuff up. Newt LOVES his…ummm…country, photographing farms ensures the onslaught of socialism and Charlie Sheen is from outer space. Of course we need a foh-tee of Starbucks. How else will we power through?

Transcript

Happy Friday. Here are some headlines from this week. Sort of.

In our top story, a White House official told reporters that President Obama plans to nominate Commerce Secretary Gary Locke to be the next U.S. Ambassador to China. When later asked why Locke was the best choice, the President said, “Look at him. Then look at China. Then look at him. And look at China. Now, look at him. Now, look at China. Him. China. Him. China. Him.”

In other political news, on Wednesday, Newt Gingrich claimed in an interview that it was his love of country that was partially to blame for at least one of his extra-marital affairs. He told the interviewer, “Well, that of course only explains the affair with Country. She was a sweet piece of a…”(Kathy interrupts with “end quote”)

A bill that was just introduced in the Florida legislature would make it a felony to take a photograph of a working farm without permission. In a surprising twist, Florida farmers don’t seem to be supporting the bill, saying in a statement, “We don’t care if you take pictures of us skinning these cows. We have nothing to…hide.”

Sorry.

Political turmoil continued in Wisconsin this week as the war of words and battle of wills between Democrats and Republicans escalated. This story is constantly changing, so by the time you see this, somebody’s mother will likely have been insulted and a fight scheduled out by the bike racks.

Coffee mega-chain, Starbucks, celebrates its 40th year in business this week. In honor of this major milestone, Starbucks coffee will now be available in a foh-tee and sold with a commemorative paper bag.

A new paper released by an award winning NASA scientist hypothesizes that life on Earth may have begun in outer space. Researchers agree that this theory finally provides a realistic explanation for such inexplicable phenomena as Ghaddafi, Sarah Palin, Charlie Sheen, Mike Huckabee, Gary Busey, Chicken McNuggets, Donald Trump’s hair, WalMart shoppers and well, of course, Kevin Spacey. Not just a clever name.

This week, former NPR fundraiser, Ron Schiller, was caught on tape calling Tea Partiers racists and saying that NPR was justified in firing Juan Williams. Steve Bass, NPR President and CEO, responded to Schiller’s comments in a press conference saying, “Umm…which part do I ‘duh’ first?” The rest of America then continued a long-standing tradition by mostly ignoring what NPR was doing at all.

In other broadcast news, an inside source confirms that Fox News is considering ending Glenn Beck’s run when his contract expires in December. Network executives claim that Beck has put the channel’s credibility as a news network at risk. Beck responded in a statement saying, “What’s credibility?”

In entertainment news, after being officially released from his contract with Warner Brothers, a disheveled and incoherent Charlie Sheen appeared on the roof of his Malibu home drinking a milkshake of Elvis’ cremated remains, waving a burning American flag and making sweet love to a bald eagle. Hollywood insiders agree this proves Sheen has clearly taken a job advertising discount tax service.

And finally, in a related story, during a recent television appearance a crew member noticed that Charlie Sheen’s fly was down. When this was pointed out to Mr. Sheen, he replied, “Fixed. Done. I zipped it with my mind. Winning!” Then he waved his machete and was gone.

That’s it. I’m Kathy. If the news is broken…I should be the next ambassador to China.

(credits)

Look at him. Then look at me. Now look at him. And look at me. Look at him. Look at me.

For the actual stories

40 Is the New Vanilla Latte

Didn’t We See This in Star Wars?

Well, Was He Wrong?

Pockets Full of Credibility

Might As Well Put On That Lady Liberty Costume

The news would not be in regular need of repair without the help of these quality conspirators:@joeschmitt, @arjunbasu, @almostfancyblog, @bedheadblonde, @blobert, Bonehead Radio, @CowboyW,@davio1962, @donchiefnerd, @DoogieHowser_MD, @drivewaydrinker, @formerlycarrmah,@goldengateblond, Gregory Battin, @heathermitch, @iamnotdiddy, @iowaradioguy, Jason Betke,@JeeNeeBee, @joeygerharz, John Battin, Larry Weinstein, @northpacific, @penbleth, @rexhuppke, @ripslichSam Battin, @ShawnaShawna, @slag_mag, @succitaM, @TheInfamousGdub, @thejohnblog, @unfnshdprsn,@yayaa.

Breaking the News - February 4, 2011 The Axis of Clever and...

Fri, 04 Feb 2011 20:48:32 -0500

Breaking the News - February 4, 2011

The Axis of Clever and Kathy Landin’s “I’m an Idiot” Show tried to avoid Bangles jokes and Justin Bieber, to no avail. Also, we discovered that “daughter of the Bush administration” is a great new euphemism for lesbianism and in order to not be a fatty fat fat fat, we should eat less. Of everything. Who knew?

Happy Year of the Rabbit! Enjoy.

The news would not be in regular need of repair without the help of these quality conspirators: @joeschmitt, @arjunbasu, @almostfancyblog, @bedheadblonde,@blobert,Bonehead Radio, @CowboyW, @davio1962, @donchiefnerd, @DoogieHowser_MD,@drivewaydrinker, @formerlycarrmah, @goldengateblond, Gregory Battin, @heathermitch,@iamnotdiddy, @iowaradioguy, Jason Betke, @JeeNeeBee, @joeygerharz, John Battin, Larry Weinstein, @northpacific, @penbleth, @rexhuppke, @ripslich Sam Battin, @ShawnaShawna,@slag_mag, @succitaM, @TheInfamousGdub, @thejohnblog, @unfnshdprsn, @yayaa.

Breaking the News - January 21, 2011 The Axis of Clever and...

Fri, 21 Jan 2011 17:11:44 -0500

Breaking the News - January 21, 2011

The Axis of Clever and Kathy Landin’s “I’m an Idiot” are a little bit NSFW this week. BE YE WARNED! Not to mention all kinds of into politics. Government politics, sexual politics, environmental politics, Hollywood politics and Glenn Beck, who is just a tick. So sit back, gulp your big Starbucks chug-a-mug and enjoy getting caught up on current events.

The news would not be in regular need of repair without the help of these quality conspirators:@joeschmitt, @arjunbasu, @almostfancyblog, @bedheadblonde, @blobert, Bonehead Radio, @CowboyW,@davio1962, @donchiefnerd, @DoogieHowser_MD, @drivewaydrinker, @formerlycarrmah,@goldengateblond, Gregory Battin, @heathermitch, @iamnotdiddy, @iowaradioguy, Jason Betke,@JeeNeeBee, @joeygerharz, John Battin, Larry Weinstein, @northpacific, @penbleth, @rexhuppke, @ripslichSam Battin, @ShawnaShawna, @slag_mag, @succitaM, @TheInfamousGdub, @thejohnblog, @unfnshdprsn,@yayaa.

Breaking the News - January 7, 2011 The Axis of Clever and Kathy...

Fri, 07 Jan 2011 09:32:07 -0500

Breaking the News - January 7, 2011

The Axis of Clever and Kathy Landin’s “I’m an Idiot” Show are back from a brief holiday hiatus to make sure you know how tan your elected officials are, how to catch a bird spy and and just how many beans it takes to make a car run on compressed air. There’s also Snooki, Brett Favre and Oprah, but that’s just for the purposes of SEO.

Transcript

Happy New Year! We’re back at it after a brief hiatus, so here are some headlines from the first week of 2011. Still…only sort of.

In our top story, this first week of the new year marks the inaugural session of the freshly elected 112th Congress. Washington insiders came out in force to congratulate Snooki on her new role as Speaker of the House.

In other news from the Capitol, President Obama has returned to the White House after spending the holidays vacationing with his family in Hawaii. A member of the President’s staff told reporters the President was glad to get away so he could “work on his tan and be half as dark as new House Speaker John Boehner.”

In international news, the French are selling hotel stays at Versailles to generate income in order to repair their beloved palace. Sources say plans could be derailed as newly hired hotel workers have already begun plotting their strike. However, First Lady of France, Carla Bruni-Sarkozy assures there will be no strike, promising, “The workers will all get cake.”

In Taipei, a Taiwanese woman married herself in a…well…kind of traditional wedding ceremony. Sources close to the…ummm…bride said the new…Mrs. Wei-yi later spent a quiet evening at home and, was “strangely glad to have received so many batteries as wedding gifts.”

In other “news”, a vulture with a research tag from Tel Aviv University flew into Saudi Arabia and was detained under suspicion of being a spy. A bird spy. They arrested the vulture. For spying.

Here in the U.S., 2,000 birds fell from the sky and more than 100,000 fish died mysteriously in Arkansas on New Year’s Eve. And with reports of birds dying in several other states and thousands of crabs dying in England, many religious experts believe we are entering a period of updated, modern plagues sent by God to correct heathen behavior. With that in mind, here are some other plagues to watch out for: John Boehner’s tan; new episodes of The Jersey Shore; having to live in Arkansas; shows featuring Paula Abdul; Michelle Bachman running for President; giant bows on cars; Sarah Palin; Brett Favre; The Real Housewives of Little Rock; and women marrying themselves.

In technology news, researchers in the UK have created a car that will run on compressed air. Little is known about the estimated range of the vehicle, but according to one researcher, “It depends upon your bean intake.”

New reports indicate that the US’s bumblebee population has declined by almost 96% over the last 10 years. Experts don’t believe this will be a huge issue as Brett Favre is now freed up to help with pollinating. Probably.

In news from Hollywood, early this week, aging celebrity Zsa Zsa Gabor was hospitalized for surgery to partially amputate her right leg. A family spokesperson said that after the procedure, the actress will just go by Zsa.

British actor Pete Postlethwaite passed away this week. While not a widely known thelebrity, he wath beloved by the lithped community and will be thorely mithed. (thorry)

In entertainment news, Oprah Winfrey launched her first new network, OWN, on cable this week. Many viewers were surprised to find out that the Food Network was not Oprah’s.

And finally, David Arquette entered rehab this week. Hollywood insiders say therapists don’t hold out much hope for the struggling celeb, as there is no known cure for being David Arquette.

That’s it. I’m Kathy. If the news is broken, not much has changed in the new year.

(credits)

It’th hard to thtop lithping now.

For the actual stories

D.C.’s Golden Boy

Tanning The Pres’s Hide

Off With Their Beds

Anything You Can Do

BIRD SPY!

When Do The Grasshoppers Arrive

Toot The Horn

Favre Can Do The Buzzing

One Leg, One Zsa

Thorry Mither Postlethwaite

Oprah Shares Her Big O

No Cure For David

The news would not be in regular need of repair without the help of these quality conspirators:@joeschmitt, @arjunbasu, @almostfancyblog, @bedheadblonde, @blobert,Bonehead Radio, @CowboyW,@davio1962, @donchiefnerd, @DoogieHowser_MD, @drivewaydrinker, @formerlycarrmah,@goldengateblond, Gregory Battin, @heathermitch, @iamnotdiddy, @iowaradioguy, Jason Betke,@JeeNeeBee, @joeygerharz, John Battin, Larry Weinstein, @northpacific, @penbleth, @rexhuppke, @ripslichSam Battin, @ShawnaShawna, @slag_mag, @succitaM, @TheInfamousGdub, @thejohnblog, @unfnshdprsn,@yayaa.

All of us at Breaking the News show our support for the office ...

Mon, 27 Dec 2010 17:24:00 -0500

All of us at Breaking the News show our support for the office drones of the world with our rendition of @MeetingBoy’s “The 12 Days of Meetings”.

See what happens when 5 people endure 12 days of meetings. There is sadness, anger, denial, utter disinterest and just a teeny bit of crazy. The holidays only last a few weeks, but thank goodness meetings last forever.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

The 12 Days of Meetings

Written by: @MeetingBoy, with help from @mr_anthropist, @discoverpiano and @leo_g_ash

Performed by: @almostfancyblog, @arjunbasu, @goldengateblond, @Kathy_L and @ripslich

Breaking the News - December 3, 2010 The Axis of Clever and...

Fri, 03 Dec 2010 09:31:06 -0500

Breaking the News - December 3, 2010

The Axis of Clever and Kathy Landin’s “I’m an Idiot” Show have committed the treasonous act of leaking the headlines this week. It’s possible they should have just kept them to themselves. But then how would you hear about new terror alert levels, Cyber Monday shopping, Chicago’s need to release cougars and where to get your very own Gluttony Pants. PLUS, there’s singing. Well…”singing”.

This one’s for Leslie Nielsen. He would have been a great BtN co-anchor.

Transcript

Happy Friday. Here are some headlines from however long it’s been since we broke the news. Sort of.

In our top story, the White House is scrambling to maintain diplomatic relations after a leak of confidential information on the internet. When asked during a Monday news conference what they plan to do to combat Wikileaks, U.S. Attorney General Eric Holder said, “Depends.”

A new report confirms that the Department of Homeland Security will be dropping the color-coded terror alerts, noting that they did little good and got made fun of a lot. The new alert levels will now be: Move Along. Nothing to See Here; Keep Watching Dancing with the Stars. Seriously, We’ll Be O.k.; Better Get a Clean Pair of Undies; Someone Call Chuck Norris and Kiss Your Ass Good-Bye

A record number of shoppers took to the internet to take advantage of discounts and finish their holiday shopping on Monday. There were many early reports of shoppers waiting patiently outside their computers for Windows to open.

In international news, the world’s cardinals met in Vatican City recently to discuss the sex scandal, and according to one inside source, to compare notes and visit the spa.

In other international news, China has proposed “six-way” talks in an effort to diffuse the ongoing crisis on the Korean peninsula. South Korean president Lee Myung-bak quickly issued a statement saying, “The talks are needed, but I don’t swing that way.” Kim Jong-Il responded by updating his Facebook status to “my big missile got me into a 6-way. ;)”

In the U.S., reports confirm that a high school in Virginia is using poker to teach students math. A representative from the school district said in a press conference, “If this works out, we’ll use hookers to teach sex ed.”

In order to control a growing rat population, the city of Chicago has released a small number of coyote into the downtown area. A spokesman for young men all over Chicago said in a statement, “We’re all hoping they release some cougars as well.”

In fashion news, just in time for the holidays and the Victoria’s Secret fashion show, Food Network chef Chris Cosentino is now selling his very own “Gluttony Pants” which have extra buttons to allow the wearer to expand the pants along with their waistline. Other items in the Gluttony Line include: Gluttony Washing Stick; Gluttony Reclining Hoveround; Gluttony Muu Muu; Gluttony Bristol Palin Action Figure; Gluttony Robotic Feeder Arm; Gluttony Ass Scratcher; Gluttony Automatic Pizza Place Dialer and Gluttony Food Shovel

In news from Hollywood, reports confirm that Anne Hathaway and James Franco will host this season’s Oscars. An inside source says the theme of the show will be “Ambien”.

In other entertainment news, actor Mark Ruffalo is now on the Homeland Security terrorist watch list. DHS officials deny that Ruffalo was added to the list for his support of an anti-drilling film, saying, “Umm…did you see Rumor Has It? Yeah, they’re all on the list.”

And finally, former teen idol David Cassidy was pulled over by the Florida Highway Patrol for weaving and making an erratic lane change in his Mercedes. Later, after Cassidy failed a field sobriety test, police were heard singing (Kathy sings) “two bourbon bottles…and a Partridge in a Mercedes.”

That’s it. I’m Kathy. If the news is broken…I WikiLeaked it.

(credits)

Farewell, Leslie Nielsen. I hope there are a lot of nice beavers where you are.

For the Actual Stories

Anal About Leakage

Alerts Put on Alert

Get Trampled at Home

But What Were the Sparrows Doing?

China is a Playah

The Liquor is in the Front

Finding Cougars in the Windy City

An Answer to Skinny Jeans

Franco Chewed His Arm Off for the Job

Maybe He Wants a Pat-down

See What We Did There?

Contributors

The news would not be in regular need of repair without the help of these quality conspirators: @joeschmitt, @arjunbasu, @almostfancyblog, @bedheadblonde, @blobert, Bonehead Radio, @CowboyW, @davio1962, @donchiefnerd, @DoogieHowser_MD, @drivewaydrinker, @formerlycarrmah, @goldengateblond, Gregory Battin, @heathermitch, @iamnotdiddy, @iowaradioguy, Jason Betke, @JeeNeeBee, @joeygerharz, John Battin, Larry Weinstein, @northpacific, @penbleth, @rexhuppke, @ripslich Sam Battin, @ShawnaShawna, @slag_mag, @succitaM, @TheInfamousGdub, @thejohnblog, @unfnshdprsn, @yayaa.

Breaking the News - November 19, 2010 The Axis of Clever and...

Fri, 19 Nov 2010 10:14:06 -0500

Breaking the News - November 19, 2010

The Axis of Clever and Kathy Landin’s “I’m an Idiot” Show did not attempt a silent birth for the headlines this week. They did, however, do their best to get engaged to a prince and, being cunning linguists, tried to invent a few words to more confusingly express themselves. Most of this is probably due to the high lead content of the sacks they’ve been licking.

Transcript

Happy Friday! Here are some headlines from this week…sort of.

In our top story, a recent Gallup survey indicates that former vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin has her highest negative ratings since hitting the national stage. The survey found that 52% of people have a negative opinion of Palin, while only 40% have a positive opinion of her. 7% have no opinion, but really like taking surveys. 4% like moose. 3% think Tina Fey is hot. 2% think all grizzlies wear glasses. 98% wonder why the hell the press is still talking about Palin. And 1% think the milk they just drank went rogue and don’t feel so good.

In other Palin news, reportarinos surfacillated this weekelydoo that Sarah Palin’s makeupified unword “refudiate” has been adderunded to the Oxford American Dictiorama publibookacation. Languaginators specaguessify that the groupommittee will votichoosify to adderund the conblendatraction “youbetcha” to the follownextry editionarium.

During a recent orientation session, M.D. and staunchly anti-Obamacare freshman Congressman from Maryland, Andy Harris, demanded to know why he would have to go a month without healthcare before his government subsidized policy took effect. In response to public criticism, Harris updated his status to, “Hey, I have an obligation to complain. I took the Hypocritic Oath.

Reports have surfaced that author George W. Bush plagiarized passages from other books when writing his newly released memoir, Decision Points. An unnamed source at Crown Publishing stated, “We should have caught it in the chapter about waterboarding suspects in the Hundred Acre Wood.” The former President responded to these allegations in a press conference saying, “Plagiarizumification? Umpossible!”

In international news, in Great Britain, Prince William has finally become engaged to his long-time girlfriend Kate Middleton. When asked why Ms. Middleton has waited around for so long, aimlessly hoping to become engaged, a source close to the soon-to-be princess told reporters that she was determined to maintain her amateur status until she was too old to compete.

New concerns have been raised about the levels of lead found in reusable grocery bags. Industry insiders say that at check out, baggers will now be instructed to ask leaded or unleaded.

In science news, last week, British scientists released genetically modified mosquitoes in the Cayman Islands in an effort to stem dengue fever. Reports indicate that the experiment seems to be succeeding, as one Cayman resident said in a statement to the press, “Bzzzzz bzzzz bzzzzz bzzzz bzzzzz bzzzz bzzzz.”

In health news, a formerly morbidly obese man lost weight by eating less and choosing more nutritious food options. His discovery is being hailed as a “miracle breakthrough” and inside sources say the “No Duh Diet” will be sold to the public at GNC for $49.99 in Vanilla Shake and ChocoMadness Shake form.

In sports news, Brett Favre has announced once again that he will be hanging up his cleats and retiring from professional football at the end of the season. In response to this revelation, Breaking the News has announced that it is retiring from “Brett Favre is retiring from football” jokes. For now.

In entertainment news, John Travolta and Kelly Preston are determined to have a textbook “silent” Scientology birth for their expected child. The church demands that everyone involved not say a word and the child receives no medical testing for seven days. Inside sources say the newborn will be spoken to and have proper medical care after he pays the $3000 New Scientology Baby fee.

And finally, former President Bill Clinton visited Bangkok recently. As usual.

That’s it. I’m Kathy. If the news is brokanated…I dropbustified it.

(credits)

…one cunning linguist said in a statement, “Oh, I can use it in a sentence. ‘Refudiate is not a word.’”

For the actual stories

Percentages Don’t Lie

Articlarious Linkage

I Swear to Care

Stole the Coloring Pages Too

Start Kissing Frogs

Don’t Lick Sacks

They’ve Been Bugged

Life’s Great Big Fat Mystery

Whatever, Favre

Shhh…Baby on Board

Clinton Embraces the Thai

Contributors:

The news would not be in regular need of repair without the help of these quality conspirators: @joeschmitt, @arjunbasu, @almostfancyblog, @bedheadblonde, @blobert, Bonehead Radio, @CowboyW, @davio1962, @donchiefnerd, @DoogieHowser_MD, @drivewaydrinker, @formerlycarrmah, @goldengateblond, Gregory Battin, @heathermitch, @iamnotdiddy, @iowaradioguy, Jason Betke, @JeeNeeBee, @joeygerharz, John Battin, Larry Weinstein, @northpacific, @penbleth, @rexhuppke, @ripslich Sam Battin, @ShawnaShawna, @slag_mag, @succitaM, @TheInfamousGdub, @thejohnblog, @unfnshdprsn, @yayaa.

Breaking the News - November 12, 2010 The Axis of Clever and...

Fri, 12 Nov 2010 10:29:00 -0500

Breaking the News - November 12, 2010

The Axis of Clever and Kathy Landin’s “I’m an Idiot” Show are taking it to eleven this week. But not before several incidents of substance abuse, a bad Schwarzenegger impression and some NSFW-ness. Don’t worry…we only do the drugs because we’re smart. And they help us work up the nerve to poke a queen.

Oh, and a big, broken “THANK YOU!” to @celticwombat for his contribution this week.

Transcript

Happy Friday. Here are some headlines from this week. Sort of.

In our top story, this week the President had to cut his trip to Indonesia short because of nearby volcanic activity. A White House spokesperson said in a press conference, “The President was disappointed at having to leave early, but nobody wants to be around for a massive ash evacuation.”

On Monday, a fire on a Carnival cruise ship caused major power outages leaving passengers stranded without access to food and running water. A representative from the Coast Guard said in a statement to the press, “You don’t want to know what we witnessed on the poop deck.”

Late last week, authorities discovered a tunnel at the border of the U.S. and Mexico that contained 20 tons of marijuana. A representative from the Border Patrol said in a press conference, “Dude. Raddest…bong…EVER!”

In international news, Queen Elizabeth officially joined Facebook this week. Experts say that this will give many curious people the opportunity to poke a Queen. Just in case they didn’t get a chance to in college.

The UK also announced that it has signed a deal to export breeding pigs to China. A representative from China says that the pigs that don’t breed or “have issues” will be sent to Yonkers to, “explain to their mothers why they don’t yet have grandpigs and what are they waiting for because nobody’s getting any younger.”

Based on a new report, economists predict that the price of chocolate could soon increase by more than seven times. One industry insider warned, “Eventually, 100 Grand might not be just a clever name for a candy bar.”

In the wake of San Francisco’s banning of some children’s meals containing toys, new research shows that most kids’ meals offered in fast food restaurants exceed a child’s recommended daily intake of calories and sodium. The research also indicated that most research only points out the obvious.

In science news, in order to further scientific and medical genetic insights, Ozzy Osborne has become one of the few people to have his genome fully sequenced. Researchers confirm that Ozzy’s genome does not go to eleven.

A report released this week claims that intelligent people use more drugs than their less brainy counterparts. In a press release, the President of MENSA said, “Duh. It is a lot easier to look down upon people when you’re high as a kite, you dimwitted plebian.

In a related story, during a recent television appearance, California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger told Jay Leno, “no one cares if you smoke a joint anymore. You want a hit off my Govenator Bong?”

This week a Nevada woman was charged with attempted child abuse after allowing her 12-year-old son to drive her home after she had been drinking. Sources at the scene say the woman was shocked at being pulled over telling police officers, (slurs drunkenly) “I swear, occifer, I thought he was a way better driver. (hiccough)”

In music news, La Toya Jackson has gone on record along with many family and friends as not believing that Michael Jackson’s voice is heard on the newly released song “Breaking News.” Other things that are not Michael Jackson’s voice include: Bud Light’s “Real Men of Genius;” Billy the Big Mouth Singing Bass; all post-1992 Michael Jackson albums; ambchop; perators who are standing by; ovie trailers; and the crazy guy in that one Simpsons episode.

In entertainment news, Nick Cannon claimed this week that acupuncture helped his wife get pregnant. A source close to the couple says his misunderstanding is due to the fact that Mariah keeps making reference to a “little prick.”

And finally, in other entertainment news, Kim Kardashian now has her own branded MasterCard. Sources say it comes with a big-ass credit line.

That’s it. I’m Kathy. If the news is broken…it’s only because this one goes to 11.

Thank you, @celticwombat.

Contributors:

The news would not be in regular need of repair without the help of these quality conspirators: @joeschmitt, @arjunbasu, @almostfancyblog, @bedheadblonde, @blobert, Bonehead Radio, @CowboyW, @davio1962, @donchiefnerd, @DoogieHowser_MD, @drivewaydrinker, @formerlycarrmah, @goldengateblond, Gregory Battin, @heathermitch, @iamnotdiddy, @iowaradioguy, Jason Betke, @JeeNeeBee, @joeygerharz, John Battin, Larry Weinstein, @northpacific, @penbleth, @rexhuppke, @ripslich Sam Battin, @ShawnaShawna, @slag_mag, @succitaM, @TheInfamousGdub, @thejohnblog, @unfnshdprsn, @yayaa.

Breaking the News - November 5, 2010 The Axis of Clever and...

Fri, 05 Nov 2010 12:39:45 -0400

Breaking the News - November 5, 2010

The Axis of Clever and Kathy Landin’s “I’m an Idiot” Show appreciate democracy, but the news doesn’t get to decide whether or not it will be broken. Busted headlines are an executive order. And execute is pretty much the best word for it. Google’s been naughty, we dare you to climb Everest to try to get good 3G coverage, and we don’t need no m*ther f*cking crocodiles on this m*ther f*cking plane.

Transcript

Happy Friday. Here are some headlines from the last couple of weeks weeks. Oh yeah…sort of.

In our top story, voters in the U.S. went to the polls on Tuesday for midterm elections. Reports indicate that many voters left their polling places without casting votes because they were unable to find the “Like” button.

In New York, a judge ruled that a 4-year-old child could be sued for negligence in an accident. Reports say that parents are rejoicing over the legal culpability of, “This is why we just can’t have nice things!”

Reports have surfaced that Google has avoided paying high corporate taxes by shifting its income around the world. Sources confirm that the IRS was easily able to discover the tax shelters after a quick Google search.

In a related story, Google has declared itself a tax-free, sovereign nation, called the Democratic Republic of Google dot com. They assure authorities the designation is legitimate citing, “We have a map to it, so it must exist.”

In other business news, last week, Sony announced that it has ceased manufacturing cassette walkmans. Industry insiders are just as surprised as you are that Walkmans even still existed. When asked why Sony was still making the cassette walkmans, their spokesperson admitted, “Well, really we’ve just been selling off the last box we manufactured in 1989.”

Late last week, the world’s highest 3G mobile network was set up on Mount Everest. Coincidentally, 3G customers across the world still have to climb to the top of their houses to get decent coverage, however, the Sherpa is not included.

In international news, this week China kicked off its once a decade census. A representative of China’s census department said in a statement to the press, “We were supposed to do it earlier this year, but we wanted to execute a few more prisoners so it would be an even 2 billion. The Chairman likes round numbers.”

Recently, a crocodile got loose on an internal flight in the Democratic Republic of Congo, causing the plane to crash and kill 19 passengers. Experts say this tragedy could have been avoided if the passengers had only had nail clippers, toothpaste tubes, bottles of shampoo and lip gloss with which to defend themselves.

With Halloween recently behind us, many Americans have focused their attention on somewhat ghoulish social issues. One such issue is the question of donating one’s body after death. As a public service, Breaking the News offers you these Ten Uses for Your Body After You Die: Sawing-a-person-in-half practice, Chicago voter, Lady Gaga wardrobe piece, Golden Globes chair filler, Tea Party spokesperson, carpool dummy, Jimmy Fallon audience member, effigy substitute, mannequin or fueling mission to Mars.

In “kind of celebrity” news, Russell Brand and Katy Perry tied the knot in India last week. Sources say Perry posted the following on her Twitter account: “Greatest gift you can give us is respect and love during this private time. After we get back, you may resume your mindless star worship and continue to pad our bank accounts.”

In other celebrity news, Celine Dion has given birth to twins. A source close to the family says that to honor the role of music in her life, she named the set Nicalo Dion and Accor Dion.

In other entertainment news, CBS announced that it is creating a show called “The Same Name” in which everyday citizens temporarily trade places with their famous counterparts. Hollywood insiders confirm that David Hasselhoff is actively in search of anyone with the same name so he can negotiate a permanent trade.

That’s it. I’m Kathy. If the news is broken…it must be a mandate. Hmm…I’d like a man date.

This just in, sources confirm that @joeschmitt has refused to switch places with Harry Potter in CBS’ new show.

Contributors

The news would not be in regular need of repair without the help of these quality conspirators: @joeschmitt, @arjunbasu, @almostfancyblog, @bedheadblonde, @blobert, Bonehead Radio, @CowboyW, @davio1962, @donchiefnerd, @DoogieHowser_MD, @drivewaydrinker, @formerlycarrmah, @goldengateblond, Gregory Battin, @heathermitch, @iamnotdiddy, @iowaradioguy, Jason Betke, @JeeNeeBee, @joeygerharz, John Battin, Larry Weinstein, @northpacific, @penbleth, @rexhuppke, @ripslich Sam Battin, @ShawnaShawna, @slag_mag, @succitaM, @TheInfamousGdub, @thejohnblog, @unfnshdprsn, @yayaa.

For the actual stories

Hanging the Chads

Fined with Spankings

Searching for Google’s Money

The 90s Called

Tweet from Everest

They’ll Just Want to Count Them Again in 20 Minutes

Should Have Been in a 1 Quart Bag

Scrapped for Parts

We’ll Try Not to Care

Froy Dion? Canay Dion?

Hide if You’re Michael Jackson

Breaking the News - October 22, 2010 The Axis of Clever and...

Fri, 22 Oct 2010 06:01:08 -0400

Breaking the News - October 22, 2010

The Axis of Clever and Kathy Landin’s “I’m an Idiot” Show had some pun this week. The Pope is tagging Catholics, rich dudes are erecting things, the Zs are having a baby and there’s something about Brett Favre’s junk. And oh the pun we had!

Transcript

Happy Friday. Here are some headlines from this week…sort of.

In our top story, Delaware senate candidate Christine O’Donnell said she doesn’t believe the U.S. Constitution establishes a separation of church and state. O’Donnell supported her claim in an interview saying, “There are churches in my state.”

In other church news, the Vatican has declared that Bart and Homer Simpson are Catholic. In honor of this discovery, the Lord’s Prayer will now end with “Cowabunga Amen.”

In science news, according to researchers, 50 to 80 percent of the world’s koala population is being ravaged by Chlamydia. Biologists are unsure if this is truly an issue, stating in a press release, “If a koala has the clap in the woods and there’s nobody there to catch it…(trails off)”

In international news, the workers of France have united in protest against plans to raise the retirement age, as well as the government’s insistence that they actually, you know, work. The French government is braced for a long, drawn out skirmish as none of the striking workers is over the age of 40.

In other international news, India’s richest man has erected a 1 billion dollar home that is 27 stories tall with its own gym and 3 heliports, requiring a staff of 600 to handle the upkeep. Sources close to the man are quick to assure everyone that he is not compensating for anything.

On Monday a rare Shetland Pony race was held in Plumpton, England as a fundraiser. Sources at the scene say it was short. [riff] The winning steed was unable to speak after the race, as he was a little hoarse. [riff] And, when asked, an official representative said they won’t know how much money they raised until all the donors pony up. [riff]

In entertainment news, TV Land’s favorite mom, Barbara Billingsley passed away in her home on Saturday. When asked what will happen with her estate, a source close to Billingsley said, “Of course, she always planned to leave it to Beaver.”

In other entertainment news, Beyonce and Jay-Z announced that they are expecting their first child. Sources close to the couple say they plan to keep the baby’s sex a secret but revealed that they are considering the names Iroc-Z and Chimpan-Z among others.

Also in Hollywood, on Wednesday Michael Lohan made a public statement to announce that he will no longer make public statements.

And finally, in sports news, Brett Favre’s genitals held a press conference to announce their retirement from harassment. A source close to the aging Minnesota quarterback’s scrotum said, “While we can’t rule out the occasional e-mail or post-game flashing, his taint is feeling especially fatigued after the last few years with all the ‘taint retired, taint not retired’ business.”

That’s it. I’m Kathy. If the news is broken…I am rather disturbed by that last story. Sorry.

Now, wasn’t that pun?

Contributors:

The news would not be in regular need of repair without the help of these quality conspirators: @joeschmitt, @arjunbasu, @almostfancyblog, @bedheadblonde, @blobert, Bonehead Radio, @CowboyW, @davio1962, @donchiefnerd, @DoogieHowser_MD, @drivewaydrinker, @formerlycarrmah, @goldengateblond, Gregory Battin, @heathermitch, @iamnotdiddy, @iowaradioguy, Jason Betke, @JeeNeeBee, @joeygerharz, John Battin, Larry Weinstein, @northpacific, @penbleth, @rexhuppke, @ripslich Sam Battin, @ShawnaShawna, @slag_mag, @succitaM, @TheInfamousGdub, @thejohnblog, @unfnshdprsn, @yayaa.

Breaking the News - October 15, 2010 The Axis of Clever and...

Fri, 15 Oct 2010 10:55:42 -0400

Breaking the News - October 15, 2010

The Axis of Clever and Kathy Landin’s “I’m an Idiot” Show came out this week…from the mine…to break the news for you yet again. They’re smoking and drinking and throwing books at Presidents, but that’s no excuse for blocking traffic in L.A. They’re going to go think about what they’ve done.

Transcript

Happy Friday. Here are some headlines from this week…sort of.

In our top story, the Chilean miners who have been trapped inside an underground mine for more than two months were brought out by rescuers this week. However, sources at the scene say the last miner who emerged saw his shadow and scampered back into the mine for six more weeks of news coverage.

During a public appearance in Philadelphia over the weekend, a man threw a book at President Obama. The President reportedly responded saying, “Well I guess my mother was wrong when she said sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.”

In science news, doctors have begun the first ever clinical trial using embryonic stem cells on a human. They hope to turn the unidentified patient into a lab rat with cancer.

On Monday, people across the nation celebrated National Coming Out Day, and much to the surprise of forecasters and astronomers alike, the sun finally proclaimed its gayness by coming out.

A new study suggests that pregnant women might be able to drink one or two drinks a week without harming the fetus. The Coalition of Pregnant Women in Bowling Alleys celebrated with another beer and said in a statement to the press, “It’s about time. Now to get everyone on board with the smoking. Smoking leads to a lower birthrate and an easier delivery. That’s just good science.”

A new report indicates that a McDonald’s Happy Meal will resist decomposition for six months. Shortly after this story broke, Joan Rivers was seen injecting french fries and a cheeseburger into her face.

On Tuesday morning, members of an L.A. band were arrested for blocking rush hour traffic on the 101 Freeway. As a part of the crackdown, police arrested an additional 437,000 residents for blocking the 101, the 5 and the 10. Fines collected are expected to solve California’s budget crisis once and for all.

In entertainment news, Fox Studios has confirmed that it plans to create a live-action franchise out of the Family Circus comic strip. When asked who greenlighted such an outdated and lifeless project, Fox only said, “Not Me.”

And finally, in broadcast news news, MSNBC has unveiled its new multi-million dollar re-branding campaign featuring the slogan, “Lean Forward.” Fox News has now claimed theft of its own longtime tagline, “Bend Over.”

That’s it. I’m Kathy. If the news is broken…it was Not Me.

The news would not be in regular need of repair without the help of these quality conspirators: @joeschmitt, @arjunbasu, @almostfancyblog, @bedheadblonde, @blobert, Bonehead Radio, @CowboyW, @davio1962, @donchiefnerd, @DoogieHowser_MD, @drivewaydrinker, @formerlycarrmah, @goldengateblond, Gregory Battin, @heathermitch, @iamnotdiddy, @iowaradioguy, Jason Betke, @JeeNeeBee, @joeygerharz, John Battin, Larry Weinstein, @northpacific, @penbleth, @rexhuppke, @ripslich Sam Battin, @ShawnaShawna, @slag_mag, @succitaM, @TheInfamousGdub, @thejohnblog, @unfnshdprsn, @yayaa.

Breaking the News - October 8, 2010 The Axis of Clever and Kathy...

Thu, 07 Oct 2010 22:51:58 -0400

Breaking the News - October 8, 2010

The Axis of Clever and Kathy Landin’s “I’m an Idiot” Show have stopped touching themselves long enough to break the news this week. Their new fears are Segways, Kirstie Alley lap dances and the possibility of Snooki’s book being scratch-n-sniff. They do not, however, fear the headlines. Nor should you.

Transcript
Happy Friday. Here are some headlines from the last couple of weeks…sort of.

In our top story, Christine O’Donnell said recently that God is guiding her campaign. In a public appearance O’Donnell claimed, “He tells me what to do while I’m simply relaxing in my pentagram, surrounded by black candles and goat’s blood. And not touching myself…ever.”

During a recent trip to Cleveland, Ohio, Jimmy Carter was hospitalized after a brief medical “episode.” Sources confirm that Carter simply had an upset stomach. City leaders have responded by renaming the city Heaveland.

Tragically last week, the owner of the Segway company died after riding one of the machines off of a cliff. During a tearful press conference, a company spokesperson said, “I was going to lighten the mood with a joke about a cliff, but had no segue into it. It’s what he would have wanted. Well, that and not falling off of a cliff.

In a related story, the black box from Mr. Heselden’s Segway was recovered early this week and revealed that his final communication was, “This gorge is totally jumpable.”
Last week, in a surprise announcement, automaker Hyundai recalled some 2011 Sonatas. Experts were unimpressed and responded in a statement claiming, “Incompetents! Mozart and Beethoven never had to recall a sonata.

In international news, in what is widely seen as the first steps to succession of leadership, North Korea’s vertically challenged despot, Kim Jong-Il appointed his son Kim Jong-Un general. However, some Korean experts say the elevation to general gives no clue as to his successor due to other recent Kim Jong-Il appointments which include: Favorite dog, Kim Li’l Jong-il – Prime Minister; Goldfish, Goldie – Ambassador to the UN; Favorite socks, nameless - Secretary of the Interior; Favorite soup, Campbell’s Chunky Sirloin Burger with Country Vegetables – Secretary of Agriculture; Li’l Kim – Poet Laureate and The sunglasses – Supreme Eye Protector.

In other international news, a Toronto judge struck down Canadian prostitution laws, thereby decriminalizing prostitution in the country. To put the ruling in perspective for international audiences, a representative from Canada’s tourism board said in a statement, “So, now you can screw a hooker, get the clap and then get the meds for free.” New ads promoting travel to Canada have already been released with the slogan: Come for our cheap meds but stay for our hookers, eh?

Here in the U.S., Atlanta pastor Eddie Long has been embroiled in a controversy involving male parishioners accusing him of forcing them to have sex. In a recent interview, Pastor Long denied the allegations saying, “This situation has been completely blown out of proportion.”

On Sunday, two men were arrested after unsuccessfully attacking a patron at Manhattan’s iconic gay bar, the Stonewall Inn. In a press conference, the chief of police gave this warning, “It’s probably not a good idea to pick fights with a roomful of guys who spend a lot of time at the gym.”

A new report reveals that executions in the United States have been put on hold due to a shortage of one of the drugs used in lethal injections. Not to be deterred, states have begun allowing prisoners to take their own lives after subjecting them to such experiences as a Kirstie Alley lap dance, forced viewing of Hour 72 of the Today Show, living with Mel Gibson and a Jersey Shore marathon among others.

In celebrity news, sources confirm that Kirstie Alley has actually lost 50 pounds. Which, according to economists, is about 80.95 in U.S. dollars.

In related chunky celebrity news, a scandal erupted last week when Christina Aguilera was caught eating while being famous.

In other news from Hollywood, Jennifer Aniston was voted the world’s most eligible single woman by 60 Minutes and Vanity Fair. Hollywood insiders say it’s clear that the people connected with 60 Minutes and Vanity Fair are either too old for Ms. Aniston or too gay.

And finally, rumors this week suggest that Jersey Shore’s Snooki is writing a book. If true, this would be the first book Snooki has read since reading One Fish Two Fish, Drunk Fish Blue Fish. Inside sources say she is resisting the use of a ghost writer because she thinks the idea is “icky…creepy…scary.”

That’s it. I’m Kathy. If the news is broken…I’m not touching myself.

Maybe.

The news would not be in regular need of repair without the help of these quality conspirators: @joeschmitt, @arjunbasu, @almostfancyblog, @bedheadblonde, @blobert, Bonehead Radio, @CowboyW, @davio1962, @donchiefnerd, @DoogieHowser_MD, @drivewaydrinker, @formerlycarrmah, @goldengateblonde, Gregory Battin, @heathermitch, @iamnotdiddy, @iowaradioguy, Jason Betke, @JeeNeeBee, @joeygerharz, John Battin, Larry Weinstein, @northpacific, @penbleth, @rexhuppke, @ripslich Sam Battin, @ShawnaShawna, @slag_mag, @succitaM, @TheInfamousGdub, @thejohnblog, @unfnshdprsn, @yayaa.

Breaking the News - September 24, 2010 The Axis of Clever and...

Fri, 24 Sep 2010 05:03:46 -0400

Breaking the News - September 24, 2010

The Axis of Clever and Kathy Landin’s “I’m an Idiot” Show dabble in witchcraft, while walking for the small sum of not $20,000. Soon they will be kicked off the cheerleading squad for reporting secret details about Mark Zuckerberg.

Transcript

Happy Friday. Here are a few headlines from this week…sort of

In our top story, across the pond, British scientists have declared that London is due for a “killer earthquake.” While this warning comes during the same week the city is being visited by the Pope, the Vatican denies there is a connection. In an official proclamation, the Holy See confirmed that, “London is due for an earthquake because of the pact it made with the Devil to send Simon Cowell to America.”

Here in the U.S., because of recent negative press about Facebook’s privacy standards, CNN did some digging this week and reported these six surprising facts about Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg:

1) Favorite book: PRIVATE
2) Favorite food: PRIVATE
3) High school: PRIVATE
4) Birthday: PRIVATE
5) Siblings: PRIVATE
6) Level of desire to own everyone’s personal data and use it for financial gain: PRIVATE

According to CNN, 37,593 people like this. However, Zuckerberg’s comments on this report have been protected.
This week Delaware Senate candidate Christine O’Donnell admitted she had dabbled in witchcraft in high school. We wanted to find out if this is a big deal with voters, so we went to the streets to hear what people thought.
@beasy2487: Yeah, Christine O’Donnell did witchcraft, but she only dabbled. I mean, it’s kind of like giving the Devil a blowjob. She’s still a virgin.
@heathermitch: Alright, so you’re telling me that she dabbled in witchcraft in high school. I’m just shocked. I mean, she went to high school??
@thejohnblog: I really can’t make an informed decision until you bring me a duck and we get Christine O’Donnell on that scale.
@kickassjen: Sure, Christine O’Donnell dabbled in witchcraft, but she didn’t swallow.
@joeschmitt: Dabbling in witchcraft is no big deal. It’s like when anti-gay preachers dabble in sex with male prostitutes. It’s all cool.
@cloudya: (silent)
@NortonSports: It’s true Christine O’Donnell practiced witchcraft, but she didn’t float.
@greeblemonkey: It’s no big deal. It’s like everything else. It took work and practice, so then she lost interest.
@Miss_Cook: Who hasn’t dabbled in witchcraft? I mean, I do it 2 or 3 times a day sometimes. Wait…“dabbling in witchcraft” is just another euphemism for masturbation. Right? Right??
@jinxybee: NON MASTURBATING WITCHERY 4LIFE! Woo-hoo!

A woman who suffered severe acid burns and gained worldwide sympathy by claiming she’d been brutally attacked has admitted that she inflicted the wounds upon herself. In a press conference, she claimed that her actions were uncontrollable after accidentally watching an entire episode of “The Hills.”

In entertainment news, a recent report reveals that Jersey Shore’s Snookie rakes in a staggering $20,000 to walk a red carpet event. The reality star’s reps also stated that for an additional $10,000 it’ll just be the cost that is staggering and not the celebrity.

A six-year-old Michigan girl was recently thrown off her cheerleading squad after her mother objected to one of the squad’s “booty” cheers. The squad’s coach, however, didn’t see any issue with the suggestive cheer, saying in an interview, “We’re simply trying to prepare our children for their future careers as overpaid reality show stars.”

And finally, a couple was recently kicked out of a hotel by the hotel’s manager after posting a negative review of the place during their stay. In a statement, the manager claimed he had no choice but to kick them out and refuse to refund their stay, saying, “Hey, we have a legendary negative rating to uphold here.”

That’s it. I’m Kathy. If the news is broken…I dabbled in witchcraft.

The news would not be in regular need of repair without the help of these quality conspirators: @joeschmitt, @arjunbasu, @bedheadblonde, @blobert, Bonehead Radio, @CowboyW, @davio1962, @donchiefnerd, @DoogieHowser_MD, @drivewaydrinker, @formerlycarrmah, @goldengateblonde, Gregory Battin, @heathermitch, @iamnotdiddy, @iowaradioguy, Jason Betke, @JeeNeeBee, @joeygerharz, John Battin, Larry Weinstein, @northpacific, @penbleth, @rexhuppke, @ripslich Sam Battin, @ShawnaShawna, @slag_mag, @succitaM, @TheInfamousGdub, @thejohnblog, @unfnshdprsn, @yayaa.

Breaking the News - September 17, 2010 The Axis of Clever and...

Fri, 17 Sep 2010 08:13:00 -0400

Breaking the News - September 17, 2010

The Axis of Clever and Kathy Landin’s “I’m an Idiot” Show put on their meat dresses and broke the news again. This week JLo tries to have her way with American Idol, George Michael goes in search of a date and some students have to interface I-R-L. It’s so intense. Also, The Donald plans to erect something.

Transcript

Happy Friday. You know the deal.

In our top story this week, Burger King announced that its new Brazilian CEO will be giving the fast food chain a complete makeover. A representative of the company said in a press conference, “What this really means for the customer is no more hair in the food.”

Also in business news, in an attempt to keep children safe online, Google’s new Google Instant search engine will block searches for words deemed to be “dirty.” Insiders say this has caused outrage among city leaders in Penis, Rhode Island and Vagina (Va HEE nuh), Venezuela.

A report released late last week revealed that 25% of translators working alongside American troops in Afghanistan failed language proficiency exams. The report also indicated that another 37% didn’t even know where Afghanistan was, but thought they could see it from Sarah Palin’s house.

In international news, the Eiffel Tower was evacuated as Paris fell victim to a bomb threat on Tuesday. Lindsey Lohan’s publicist breathed a sigh of relief, stating, “I’m just glad it was Paris getting bombed for a change.”

In other international news, a Russian official has been fired after making young boys kiss his feet following a grueling workout. A source inside the Kremlin says the man fled the country before he could be further reprimanded and is now a high school football coach in Texas.

A new study has found that overweight men last longer in bed. The Turkish researchers who led the study can’t explain the phenomenon, but theorize that being heavier just makes it more difficult for them to get out of bed.

In a bold move to defuse the current situation, Donald Trump has offered to purchase the property near Ground Zero where a controversial Muslim community center is set to be built. A source close to The Donald says he will of course, “erect something understated and tasteful. As usual.”

In entertainment news, outrageous fashion-forward popster Lady GaGa attended the MTV Video Music Awards in a dress made of some kind of meat in support of vegetarianism. A source close to the star says she was forced to wear the dress by her mother who said, “You better wear your meat dress, young lady because there are poor children in Africa who have no clothes at all.” GaGa’s only public statement was, “Eat me.”

In other celebrity news, on Tuesday, George Michael’s publicist announced that he will be going to jail for 8 weeks, saying in a press release, “He has decided that it’s time to start dating again. Somewhere where anal sex isn’t frowned upon.”

Also in Hollywood, Fox announced that J Lo will be the new judge on American Idol. Inside sources say the deal almost fell through, but Ms. Lopez finally accepted the job even though the network couldn’t meet all of her demands. Breaking the News obtained JLo’s official list of demands, which included, among other things, being allowed to spit whenever Ben Affleck’s name was mentioned, a chair made of live Peruvian cabana boys and water made from the tears of her assistants.

In a related story, the show’s producers have announced that at least one episode of “bad” auditions will be comprised entirely of scenes from Gigli.

And finally, students at Harrisburg University in Pennsylvania have been banned from using online social media for a week. According to sources at the school, students are unsure how they will socialize if all they can do is sit around and talk to each other.

That’s it. I’m Kathy. If the news is broken, you know I’m going to tweet it.

Breaking the News - September 17, 2010 is also available on Vimeo.