This week, the Axis of Clever and Kathy Landin’s I’m an Idiot Show break the news missionary style in the midst of tornadoes, protests and tattooings, at least for as long as their attention spans will allow.
Complete Transcript:
Happy Friday! Here are some headlines from this week…sort of.
In our top story, a Haitian court convicted American missionary, Laura Silsby, of arranging to transport 33 children out of the country following the January 12th earthquake. As she boarded the plane, Silsby reportedly said, “I always thought missionary style would get you a kid no matter what.”
In other international news, protests and a bloody government crackdown in Thailand raged on, despite the West’s continuing efforts to ignore the whole thing. In an attempt to call attention to the conflict, the US Ambassador to Thailand remarked, “If these Red Shirts in Bangkok keep this up, they’re going to lose their eligibility to protest in their 5th year.”
Arab American, Rima Fakih, was crowned Miss USA on Sunday. When word of this reached Osama bin Laden in his cave, he released the following statement: (bite) The corrupt American system of vanity has now crowned a Muslim woman. I’d declare victory if I weren’t already planning her stoning for appearing without a burqa. But she is from Michigan, so perhaps she has suffered enough. Bin Laden out. And death to the infidels.
Ohhhh…sama.
After 20 years on television, NBC has canceled its iconic series, Law & Order. (sfx) Executives say that with the decline of newspapers and print media, it’s just getting too hard to rip from the headlines. (sfx) Later, Mayor Bloomberg called an emergency session of the City Council, demanding to know “who’s going to save New York now?!” (sfx)
This week Arizona barred “ethnic studies” in its public schools. Not to be outdone, Illinois banned “ethics studies” from its public schools.
(sfx) In a related story, Sarah Palin told President Obama to “Do your job, secure our border,” at a rally on Saturday. She went on to say “Case in point: Just the other day, it was brought to my attention that there is an entire state full of New Mexicans.”
In response to the oil spill, the Gulf Coast Tourism Agency demanded that British Petroleum pay for an ad campaign to shore up their struggling tourism industry. Breaking the News was able to acquire this draft list of possible campaign tag lines: The Gulf Coast: It’s Slick!; Visit the 2% of Louisiana’s coastline that isn’t f*cked (sfx) up; The Gulf Coast: Once you go black oil, you never go back.
Also in the South…(sfx) Also in the South, the farm in Fairfax, Oklahoma, where scenes from the movie Twister were filmed was hit by a tornado, with the actual tornado taking a similar path as the one in the blockbuster. Warner Brothers immediately sued the tornado, saying “clearly the tornado has no imagination and has stolen our idea.” In a related story FEMA has called for the evacuation of Elm Streets nationwide.
A study was released this week linking pesticides on produce to ADHD in children. Sources say this research has been available to scientists for years, but they never got around to compiling it due to…
In an email exchange with an angry iPad user, Steve Jobs defended Apple’s strict AppStore control by claiming Apple offers the world “freedom from porn.” Mr. Jobs later clarified his remarks saying, “I meant ‘No more FREE porn.’ Now it’s $1.99.”
On Thursday, Pope Benedict XVI condemned gay marriage and abortion as “among the most insidious and dangerous challenges to society.” Later, the Vatican released the Pope’s Complete List of Insidious and Dangerous Challenges, including: something non-Catholics did that we all think is bad, blue M&Ms, capri pants, that time in the morning when you really have to pee but don’t want to get out of bed, Gallileo, deviled eggs, Bret Michaels’ bandana, eating communion wafers with your mouth open and many, many…many more. Pedophilia and covering up pedophilia while letting pedophiles continue to operate somewhere else did make the list, albeit at a lowly 64th and 65th place. The complete list is available at “breaking the news (dot) tv.”
And now we go to our very own Jason for commentary on YouTube’s fifth birthday. Jason? (clip) Jason: Along with Facebook and Twitter, YouTube revolutionized the way ordinary people share ideas, memories and newsworthy events. Millions of people … millions of people …Hey, hold on a minute! You could at least wait until I’ve finished my commentary! Wait! Wait! I need to express myself!
Thank you, Jason. I know the feeling.
Teen star Justin Bieber got his first tattoo this week. His publicist said this was done only so that “his corpse could be identified should one of his rabid fans kidnap and dismember him before dumping his body in a river off the interstate.” Hollywood insiders agree that Bieber’s inking is not nearly the disaster as that of former child star Danny Bonaduce and what is now “a grotesque representation of a stretched out partridge on his abdomen.”
(sfx) Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg celebrated his 26th birthday this week. Users observed the occasion by skywriting his social security number and mother’s maiden name over Nigeria.
And finally, an Australian filmmaker has recruited a number of young men and women to auction off their virginities to the highest bidder as part of a reality television show. Possible bidders on the virgins include: Richard Branson, that volcano in Iceland and Roman Polanski, among others. In fact, inside sources say Roman Polanski has offered to direct the series for free as long as he could “win every time.”
That’s it. I’m Kathy. If the news is broken…(sfx) I’ve been ripped from the headlines.
