Here it is, the latest episode of Breaking The News. This week’s top stories:
- “When’s the last time someone recalled bourbon? Never!”
- @Ian_Wright reports on England’s new prime minister.
- Chocolate breast milk
- “Hurricane Flo” devastates the Gulf of Mexico
Check out previous week’s episodes:
- Can the iPhone babysit your kids?
- That volcano in Iceland that no one can pronounce
- Vatican forgives John Lennon for saying “Beatles more popular than Jesus”, but still haven’t forgiven him for Yoko.
- Mars Rover interviewed
- First week including Faustus J Cornbird rant on Earth Hour
- Faustus J Cornbird at healthcare rally
Credits:
Performed by
News: @Kathy_L
Aaron Goodwin: @TheInfamousGdub
Bourbon Mommy: @JeeNeeBee
British correspondent: @ian_wright
Head writer: @joeschmitt
Writers:
@arjunbasu
@rexhuppke
@slag_mag
@sucittaM
@penbleth
@drivewaydrinker
@bedheadblonde
@Kathy_L
@ripslich
@JeeNeeBee
@donchiefnerd
@iamnotdiddy
@covertheearth
@goldengateblond
@DoogieHowser_MD
@iowaradioguy
@blobert
@yayaa
@davio1962
@joeygerharz
@CowboyW
@unfnshdrambler
@heathermitch
Larry Weinstein
Jason Betke
Sam Battin
Gregory Battin
Bonehead Radio
Complete transcript:
In our top story this week, workers continue their struggle to contain a massive oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico. An expert at the scene told the press, “It’s a really big flow, and nothing we’ve tried has staunched it.” Tampax, Kotex and Always have volunteered to help, saying, “We can stop a really big flow. And promise no leaks.”
I guess people think BP means Big Period.
For more on this story we go to our own Aaron Goodwin:
Since 1990 the U.S. government has used a tax to place money in an “Oil Spill Liability Trust Fund” as a precaution against incidents such as what has recently occurred off the gulf coast. Officials say that this money will be used to cover the costs of cleanup. I n like manner, I have decided to create a “First Degree Manslaughter Liability Trust Fund” in the event that I finally lose it and go postal. I’m Aaron Goodwin, and you’d better not tick me off!
On Monday, Police in New York arrested Shahzad Faisal in connection with Saturday’s failed Times Square bombing. Not much was known about him initially, but our reporters were able to dig this up from his Facebook page, showing Shahzad to be an avid FarmVille player:
Faisal Shahzad left you a “present” on FarmVille! It looks like Faisal’s explosives-laden vehicle has wandered on to your city street. Help him land in jail.
Shahzad’s profile was only 67% complete, but he was a fan of Justin Bieber and Betty White.
Turning now to international news, let’s go live to our London desk to check in on the results of the election of their next prime minister.
So far the election is too close to call, which is bad for the Labor party because ultimately this will be decided by the US Supreme Court, and as you know conservatives are still in the majority. Al Gore called Gordon Brown and offered his condolences and told him to take up a cause, but to stay away from the environment because that was his and he’s not sharing his Oscar and no one can make him. Back to you, Kathy.
In other international news, Australia’s sperm banks are facing a critical shortage of donations due to recent laws requiring sperm donors be contactable once the child they helped to conceive turns 18. Because of this, infertility specialist Dr Ron Chang said, “All the donors stopped coming…but we’ve heard it happens to everyone and it’s not a big deal.”
A policeman in Arizona is suing the state over the law itself and asks that “local law enforcement be exempt from enforcing the state’s new immigration law.” The officer would also like to be exempt from
- performing body cavity searches
- graveyard shifts
- Eating healthy meals
- paying for eclairs
- chasin’ after them Duke boys
- getting shot only two days shy of retirement
- anything involving Gary Coleman or Carrot Top
In business news, Continental and United Airlines merged this week to form the world’s largest airline. A spokesman for the new company said, “We should be big enough for Kevin Smith now.”
People around the world were shocked this week when it was announced that 72-YEAR-OLD Pearl Carter of Indiana is having a baby with her 26-year-old grandson Phil Bailey. While the happy couple hasn’t picked out a name for a girl, they did announce that if it’s a boy, they plan to name him Oedipus.
The American Lung Association revealed its “State of the Air 2010” report, which details the country’s most polluted cities. Some 20 cities have improved from last year’s report including Atlanta, Cleveland and Detroit. Residents of Detroit credit improvements to
- new ‘green initiatives’
- decreased emissions due to majority population of feral cats
- ‘humans fleeing the city’.
Mead-Johnson, the company that prides itself on its “decades-long patterning of infant formulas after breast milk,” now has chocolate milk for infants. A spokesman for the company said, “If your one year old could talk, he’d tell you he wants chocolate breast milk.” They also announced the following flavors coming soon:
- Strawberry
- Coffee
- Melon
- White Russian
- Chipotle
- Baconnaise
- Kung pao chicken
On Saturday the FDA urged parents to stop giving their children liquid Tylenol, Motrin, Benadryl, and other name brand children’s medicines. Mistakes in manufacturing have led to serious problems with the medicines. Side effects include
- irritability
- repeating “mom” endlessly
- whining that a sibling touched you
- inability to “use your words”
We interviewed one local mother about how this was affecting her children:
This is why I give my kids bourbon. Cures anything. Well, shuts ‘em up at least. But hey! At least they’re safe! When’s the last time anyone recalled bourbon? Never. That’s right.
A North Carolina town banned thongs on the beach this week. Many citizens complained, saying the law was “asinine.” The mayor expects liberals to issue a court challenge to the crack-down on thongs, but he demands support saying, “Leave your thong behind. No ifs, ands, or butts.”
This just in from our London office!
Results are in. Great Britain elected a new Prime Minister. The winner is the middle aged white guy with a posh accent who also pretends to have working class roots. Back to you, Kathy.
Rocker and reality television star Bret Michaels remains hospitalized and is recovering from a brain hemorrhage. His doctor told the press that Michaels is now “very mentally aware,” indicating they made some improvements while they had him on the table.
And finally, country music singer Chely Wright confirmed she is gay. Music fans were shocked by the news, saying, “Who is Chely Wright?”
